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Author
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Topic: Irish Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-16-2005 07:20 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Irish Blessings
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.
May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.
May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.
May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!
May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.
May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire -
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!
May God be with you and bless you,
May you see your children's children,
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
May God grant you many years to live,
For sure He must be knowing
The earth has angels all too few
And heaven is overflowing.
May peace and plenty be the first
To lift the latch to your door,
And happiness be guided to your home
By the candle of Christmas.
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
A Wedding Prayer
By the power that Christ brought from heaven,
mayst thou love me.
As the sun follows its course,
mayst thou follow me.
As light to the eye,
as bread to the hungry,
as joy to the heart,
may thy presence be with me,
oh one that I love,
'til death comes to part us asunder
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-17-2005 02:06 PM
Rated G
Irish Curses
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.
May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne’er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he’s dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty’s drake.
May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Falheerty’s drake
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2005 03:32 PM
Rated PG
Irishman goes to the Doctor with a problem with his butt....
"Doctor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes alook.
"Incredible" he says, "There is a 20 pound note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the Irishman.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Doctor, tank ya kindly, dat's moch batter. How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. 1,990 pounds exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman..I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-29-2005 04:59 PM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said," Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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