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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:26 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town. "There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?" "Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman. "Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!" "I'm not surprised," said the Irishman, "that's the local lunatic asylum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An Irishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink. "Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant. "Don't tell me they've gone electric," said the Irishman.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:28 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A switchboard operator at a small hotel in Galway was making her morning alarm calls. At six o'clock she rang room 206, but, as a sleepy voice answered, she glanced at her list again and saw that the call for room 206 was down for eight o'clock. She said as sweetly as she could, "Good morning, Sir! You have two more hours to sleep."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine It was cold and rainy in Ballynahinch, Ireland where I was spending my summer holiday, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. "I've been waiting all year for this holiday so I could get some color," he said. "And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:54 AM                        Rated G IRISH PROVERB "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 11:02 AM                        Rated G You might be a Leprechaun if... When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!) In your cupboard -- nothing but Lucky Charms cereal. Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere. You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends. You've been under a rock for the past few years. You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!) You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do." Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald's. When you say something is "magically delicious," it really is. And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun: You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 11:07 AM                        Rated G AN IRISH BLESSING May God grant you many years to live, For sure He must be knowing The earth has angels all too few And heaven is overflowing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:24 AM                        Rated G Steve in Manhattan An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:25 AM                        Rated PG Steve in Manhattan Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda.. no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:27 AM                        Rated PG Steve in Manhattan Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says,"He said,'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2005 09:29 AM                        Rated PG Steve in Manhattan A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention,but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:50 AM                        Rated G IRISH ROOTS The Lord Mayor of Dublin, was greatly agitated with all the negative "Irish" humor that seemingly flourished everywhere. Examples: 'Dumb Mick' ~ 'Potato Farmers' ~ 'Drunken Irish,' and many not worthy of repeating. The Lord mayor decided that he would employ a staff to search the world over to, "Once and for all find the 'true root beginnings' of the Irish people, and announce those findings to the world." Such a staff was hired, and money was no object. Time was important, however, to satisfy the negativity surrounding the Irish people once and for all! The learned people on the search staff scoured the records of the world. After 15 months of intense research, the leader of the search staff reported to The Lord Mayor that he had found the true roots of the Irish people and was prepared to present those findings to His Honor. The Lord Mayor decided he would hear the findings at the same time the world would hear the answer. Worldwide television and news media representatives were summoned for the reporting of the finding of the 'true roots of the Irish people.' The date and time was set for the presentation. The Lord Mayor gave a brief explanation for the reason of the findings, and introduced the leader of the search staff. The Leader of the Search Staff, thanked the Lord Mayor, and announced to the world, "We left no records unturned, and we have determined that the beginnings of the Irish People, can be accurately traced to the Island of Crete. (ss) Therefore, The Irish People can be called ex-Cretians!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 10:57 AM                        Rated G An Irishman's Life Philosophy "In life, there are only two things to worry about, either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about; either you will live, or you will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about, if you die, you have two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 07:03 AM                        Rated XXX Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..." Part Two A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider..." Part Three After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting- and now you fockin' hen gliding....."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:15 PM                        Rated G Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!  |  IP: Logged

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