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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 12:13 PM                        Rated G Lorraine AN IRISH TOAST May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 04:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. The Irish Lass As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:41 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport. "I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years". "Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American. "I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time". "I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American. "Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Irish Proverbs" A kind word never broke anyone's mouth. A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied. It is better to be born lucky than rich. A lie travels farther than the truth. An old broom knows the dirty corners best. Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat. A friend's eye is a good mirror. It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking. God is good, but never dance in a small boat. Even a small thorn causes festering. Marriages are all happy its having breakfast together that causes all the trouble. Every dog is brave on his own doorstep. You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind. You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2007 09:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine ST. PETERSBURG, FL - This is a true story of a lucky little 4- leaf clover that begins during World War II. In 1941 with the world at war, many turned their thoughts to wishes of good luck and special momentos to carry them through those difficult times. Such was the case for Lela Remington, a U.S. Army nurse in training in Mississippi. She would be leaving for duty abroad and wanted to send her sister and brother-in-law a special greeting for their first wedding anniversary. She picked a 4-leaf clover greeting card to send to Gayle and Dee McCormick, then living in Michigan. The card was treasured and safely tucked away to preserve those special wishes. Time passed, the war ended and life returned to normal for many years. Then in 1995, something unusual happened to the clover. Gayle passed away, Lela had died earlier and no one else knew of the sentimental lucky charm, until it was discovered among Gayle's personal momentos. The ironic twist to this story is that the card was returned to Gayle's niece, Dandy Safko, who with her husband are the present owners of "Clover Specialty Company" where the clover on the card was grown 54 years earlier. The card, still in the original envelope, bearing a 3¢ stamp, postmarked September 29, 1941 from Jackson, Miss., has been safely tucked away in the company's scrapbook, which is full of testimonial letters from people all over the world with personal stories of the lucky 4-leaf clover. Gayle's lucky little clover had returned home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2007 12:22 PM                        Rated XXX Hank in Simi Valley Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs where Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-27-2007 08:34 PM                        Rated PG Denny In Yonkers NY A recent study found that the average Irishman walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Irishmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer or stout per annum. That means, on average, that an Irishman gets about 41 miles per gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an Irishman.........  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2007 03:19 PM                        Tony in Lyme, CT. After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots." One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2008 03:51 PM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont. Irish Nursing Home A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson. 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful' says Grandpa. 'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.' 'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,'grandpa says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro''. 'There is a judge in here -- he' s 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'. 'And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'. 'And me....., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine May your blessings outnumber The Shamrocks that grow And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer." Hal Roach  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:54 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot...with just two little slits for his eyes. "What happened to you?" asked Cassidy. "I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window." "Begod," said Cassidy. "It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:56 AM                        Rated G Erin Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:57 AM                        Rated G Lorraine It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 10:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."  |  IP: Logged

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