my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Irish Jokes (Page 7)

This topic comprises 14 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  12  13  14

Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2004 12:46 PM                        Rated G "Lost at Sea" Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.After a long, tension-filled moment,he spoke:"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat ! Have a Happy St. Pat's Day,  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:23 AM                        Rated G B.B. An Irishman's Life Philosophy "In life, there are only two things to worry about,either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,but if you are sick,you have two things to worry about; Either you will live, or you will die.If you live, there is nothing to worry about,if you die,you have two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven,there is nothing to worry about,but if you go to hell,you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,you won't have time to worry!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:32 AM                        Rated G Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? . . . . . . . . . . It doesn't come back,it just sings songs about how much it wants to.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:33 AM                        Rated PG Michele Things you might overhear at a St. Patrick Day parade: A drunk Irishman pointing to his johnson saying, "Here's one snake St. Patrick didn't chase out of Ireland!" I wish I could find that pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow 'cuz I need a place to piss right now. I haven't seen father Flannigan that wasted since Christmas mass. I'm just like Guinness, baby, I taste better with plenty of head. Mad cow...heh! Sounds like me wife! Is that a leprechaun in your pocket,or are you just happy to see me? (Italian accent) I gotch yer pot a gold right here! And the number one thing you're most likely to overhear at a St. Patrick's day parade: Argh! Let go of me Lucky Charms!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:37 AM                        Rated G Michele Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,"I haven't been feelin' me self lately!" "Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:40 AM                        Rated G Michele These two Irish boys, Paddy and Seamus, are dandering home from a night on the town when Paddy turns to Seamus and says "Seamus, look, it's a long walk home,why don't we steal a bus!?!" "Feck, thats a grand idea, Paddy. Tell you what,I'll nip into the bus depot, and grab us a bus" replies Seamus "Sure Seamus" counters Paddy. So off trots Seamus to steal a bus.Paddy stands at the gates of the depot, watching.After 15 minutes, he wonders were the feck Seamus has got to.He turns round to see Seamus running to one bus,looking in the window and then running on to the next. "What the bloody hell are you doing Seamus??" yells Paddy. "Paddy, I cant find a route 109!" shouts Seamus "You stupid bloody eegit," bellows Paddy, "just steal that 108 and we'll get off at the roundabout!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2004 03:07 PM                        Rated G Sean O'Flaherty has a terrible accident at the fireworks factory,so bad that only his head remains. So they take the head round to his wife. 'Is this your Sean, Mrs. O'Flaherty?' holding the head up high. 'Oh no sir,sure he was never that tall'  |  IP: Logged Robb Johnston Expert Film Handler Posts: 147 From: St. Louis Suburbs Registered: Nov 1999 posted 03-21-2004 12:23 AM                        How many beans are there in traditional Irish Bean Soup? 239, for if they added even one more it would be Too Farty  |  IP: Logged Robb Johnston Expert Film Handler Posts: 147 From: St. Louis Suburbs Registered: Nov 1999 posted 03-21-2004 12:25 AM                        Best read with an Irish or a Scottish accent A Toast to the four Kingdoms First Here's to the Welsh, Who prey upon themselves and upon their Neighbors Second, Here's to the Irish who keep on fightin' for it, even if they are no longer sure what it is. Third, Here's to the Scots who keep the Sabbath, and anything else they can get their hands on. Last but not least, Here's to the Anglish, who by claiming to be a self made race, have absolved our Lord of a most heinous responsibility  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2004 04:17 AM                        Rated G A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so he deceided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig so friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he not that friendly. That's his bowl your using."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2004 02:07 PM                        Rated PG Irish "Personal ads" in the Dublin News Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. ------------------------------------------------------ Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancee, | seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. ------------------------------------------------------ Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. ------------------------------------------------------ Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. ------------------------------------------------------ Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. ------------------------------------------------------ Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. ------------------------------------------------------ Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2004 10:19 AM                        Rated G The customs officer asked Paddy if he had anything to declare. "No, only a bottle of holy water from Lourdes", he said. The officer was interested and asked to see it. When Paddy produced it the officer removed the cork and put his nose to the bottle. "That's not water", he said grimly. "That's whisky". "I'll be blessed", exclaimed Paddy, "It's another Miracle!".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated G alanv71 It's the Irish College's history class and the teacher asks for a famous English king and Tommy shouts out, 'Please miss, Dick the shit' And little Billy explains that he means Richard the turd....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 11:32 AM                        Rated G I enjoyed my trip to Ireland except for the grey-black, narrow, relentlessly winding roads. I steered the little rented car around one blind turn after another, between seemingly endless tunnels of stone fences and tight-to-the-road hedges. At one point I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker and complained, "I don't see how anyone can drive to a party at night, have even one drink and get home again safely on these roads." "Ah, well, you see," he replied, "they don't usually come home till daylight."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:48 PM                        Rated PG A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France. His young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?" "It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!" "Oh, he must have been in such pain!" "No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 14 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  12  13  14

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.