MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon.

While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by."What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.

"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

"Caught anything?""Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms."

"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.

O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it.

He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more.

As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.

In America, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"

In England, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"

In France, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"

In Ireland, they say:"It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"

A group of Americans is touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said," Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night with a toast about you Mary."

Johnny Patterson, the famous Irish clown, lay critically ill. The doctor, having done all he could, closed his medicine case and prepared to leave.

"I'll see you in the morning , Johnny," he said cheerfully.

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you've got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

Paddy took another huge gulp of his Guinness and said, "I'm drinkin' to the memory of me dear departed wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days readin' and quotin' from the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evenin', filled our house with religious statues, relics and paintin's, and invited priests and nuns to dinner 5 times a week."

"She sounds like a pure angel," the other man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"May those that love us, love us
And those that don't love us
May God turn their hearts;
And if he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping"

GOD BLESS THE IRISH!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that weare officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big isyour army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the
next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

Thought for the Day.......

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

Idly the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called:

'Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?'

'I'm digging potatoes, sor.'

'Potatoes? Those small things? You call them potatoes? Back home in Iowa we have potatoes ten times that size!'

As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'