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Author
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Topic: Irish Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2002 12:49 PM
Rated G  As the Reagan twins sat watching TV, on screen came the Tour de France cycle race. 'Why do they do that?' asked Paul. 'Do what?' said Peter. 'Cycle for miles and miles, up hill, down dale. Month after month, day after day. Through wind, rain, snow, ice. Why do they continually torture themselves?' 'It's because,' said Peter, 'the winner gets half a million pounds.' 'Yes,' replied Paul. 'But why do the others do it?' 
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2002 12:51 PM
Rated G  Murphy was driving the horse and trap home from the pub on a warm summer's evening. Beside him sat Toby the labrador, great guard dog and constant friend. Suddenly the still of the evening was rent by a tremendous engine noise and round the tight bend in the country lane came a huge Mercedes car doing at least seventy miles an hour. Behind the wheel sat a red-faced Texan who chewed a fat cigar and drummed his fat fingers on the dashboard in time to the ear-splitting quadrophonic car radio. Too late the American realised he couldn't pass Murphy and the cart on the narrow tarmac strip - too late he realised he should have braked thirty yards ago. Too late the Mercedes car smashed into the cart scattering horse, dog and Murphy to various points of the compass. As Murphy lay in a daze bemoaning his fate, he saw the Texan go over to the stricken horse. Realising its legs were broken the Yank drew out a .45 pistol and shot the beast dead. Going over to Toby the dog, it was obvious that its back was broken - 'bang', a second shot rang out, ending Toby's misery. With that the big Texan came over to Murphy. 'Hey buddy, are you all right?' he asked. 'As God is my judge,' muttered ashen-faced Murphy, 'I've never felt better in my life!'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2003 07:45 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Paddy O'Toole woke up one fine morning with a monserous
hangover.
"Ooooooooooweeeee!" He thinks to himself,"Paddy, me boy,ye got to get yerself back on the straight and narrow......get down to St.Swithens and make yer confession to Father O'Staggers and start with a clean slate."
But,first he needs to get his courage up.So he rummages around and finds some courage,in a gallon jug.
He weaves his way down to the church and into the confessional.
"Faaaather,I done sinned and sinned baaaaaad! Ooooooooooweeeeeee!
" Well, he nearly knocks the Padre out of the booth with his breath.
"Paddy,me lad,have ye killed anybody?"
No Faaaather, I ain't been killin' nobody today. Ooooooweeeeee!"
"Well,off with ye then.Go your way in peace and sin no more."
As Paddy stumbles out of the church and down the steps,he runs into his old friend Shamus Flannegan.
Shamus is in the same shape as Paddy and on a simular mission.
"So,tell me Shamus,do ye be going to confession this morning?"
"Yes,Paddy,I done sinned and sinned bad."
"And have ye killed anyone Shamus?"
"No, Paddy,I ain't killed nobody."
"Well,don't be wastin'yer time then Shamus.Father O'Staggers
is only hearing murder confessions today!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2003 08:44 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye,so I have.'Tis Friday,you know,so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.And then there was something called "Happy Hour"and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.I had four or five o'those.Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O'course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude,ye know.Then I stopped
on the way home to get another bottle for later .."And the man
fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey,which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said,"Sir,I'm afraid I'll need you to
step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly,the man said,"Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!" ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-13-2003 08:42 AM
Rated X
To all the Irish out there.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,"I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye,what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed,John!" Mary said.
The next day,Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said,"John won the prize,the other night,with a toast about you,Mary."
She said,"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-17-2003 01:06 PM
Rated R Pat
One St. Patrick's Day, an Irishman and his leprechaun went to the local bar to celebrate.The Irishman sat at one end of the bar, placed the leprechaun up on the bar,and ordered a green beer for each of them.
After finishing the first beer, the little leprechaun walked
across the top of the bar down to the other end and went
"PFFFFFFFT!!!",squirting fluid from his cheeks onto the face of an Englishman sitting there.The leprechaun then ran as fast as he could back down to the other end of the bar to rejoin the Irishman.
The Irishman ordered two more green beers,and when they had
finished those the leprechaun went back down the top of the bar to the other end, went "PFFFFFFFT!!!" again into the Englishman's face,and scampered back down to the Irishman.
The Englishman wiped his face off,pulled out a knife,and
said,"If that little fucker tries that again,I'm going to cut
his dick off!"
"You can't do that,"said the bartender. "That's a leprechaun.
Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"Oh yeah? Well,if leprechauns don't have dicks,then how do they piss?"
"PFFFFFFFT!!!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-17-2003 05:00 PM
Rated R
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner,"says Sean,"He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy,"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean,"you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's breast,and a thing of beauty it was,but useless in a fight."
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