Three Englishman walk into a bar a spot an Irishman sitting alone at a table. One fellow says to the others, "Let's pick a fight with the Mick over there".

His partner replies, "Wait we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight"

The third Englishman says, Wait here chaps. I know how to do it". He goes over to the Irishman and says, St. Patrick was a bloddy faggot!"

To which the Irishman replied "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tries his luck and says to the Irishman, "St. Patrick was a fag that wore a dress!"

To which the Irishman again replies "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.

The last Englishman tell his friends he knows how to rile the Mick and bounces up to the table and screams "St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when man of th' cloth is visitin' such a place?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

Paddy and Mick were sat in their local pub wondering how they were going to raise money for two more pints when Paddy notices a man at the bar handing over a Salmon in payment for his pint. Paddy wanders over to the man and asks "Excuse me mate where did you get the Salmon?"

"I caught it fishing off a bridge up the river" the man replies.

Paddy turns to Mick and says "We can do that".

So the pair of them decide to try to catch a Salmon to fund there drinks. As they wander out of the pub Mick asks "Hang on a second we haven't got any fishing rods or bait, how are we going to catch a Salmon?".

Paddy thinks for a while.... "Never mind, I'll dangle you over the bridge by your feet and you wait for a Salmon to swim by and when it does you can grab it". Mick agrees and so they start to fish. 5 minutes go by and Paddy hears nothing from Mick. 10 minutes go by and still nothing. After 20 minutes Mick suddenly screams "Pull me up quick!!".

Paddy shouts "Have you got one, is it big!"

A Russian, an American, and a Irish man were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Irish man said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot, you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?

This is a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax office in IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an income Tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knackerer who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he didd because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to pokebutter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle.

I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit

Paddy and Mick are having a race to the top of the hill, Paddy says "If I get to the top of the hill first I'm going to write my name on that tree at the top".

There were two Irish men emigrating to Australia.

Mike is very confident about being accepted there, but Paddy is not so sure.

Mike tells Paddy "just tell them what you do for a living and you'll be ok".

On arrival the two men go through customs and hand the Australian official their passports.

"Well g'day Mike, welcome to OZ, what do you do for a living?"

I'm a pilot" replied Mike.

"We've always got jobs for pilots, what do you do Paddy?"

"I'm a turf cutter" replied Paddy.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.

******
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?

A canoe sometimes tips.
******
How does an Englishman know his wife is dead?

Irishman At The Pearly Gates

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.

"And you are?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"

The Irish Film Festival.

One day the Irish Film Institute sent out brochures and flyers announcing a major international film festival in Dublin - one which would rival Berlin and Cannes, so the organisers claimed.

Only one thing looked a bit strange - the festival programme consisted of the same film (an OK romantic melodrama, but by no means a masterpiece), which was to be shown four times a day for two weeks, just like in a multiplex.

All the film-makers and critics who saw this thought that this was to be a bold new programming experiment, an innovative work of 'event art' if you like (a bit like Bill Viola's videowalls, for example).

Eventually, on day two of the festival, one of the delegates asked the director what the idea was.

'Well, you know the film's got Sharon Stone in it?', he asked.

'Yes,' the delegate replied.

'And in that last scene she's takes all her clothes off,' the director continues.

'Well she starts doing that, but then a train comes past the window and that's the end of the movie,' the delegate protested.

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to Belfast?"

The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"

The Australian replied, "I'm driving!"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

Kate was walking down the street after she had just gone to the market.

She came upon her old best friend that she hadn't seen for 6 years , Jenny. " Jenny , what happened to you " ? She said, shocked because Jenny was in crutches and had a cast on both arms and legs and she also had a neck brace.

" Well "... Jenny said . " I was picking berries in the woods to make jam and I came upon a frog. I was shocked because he spoke to me and he said that he needed help and if I helped him he would grant me 3 wishes , because we was magical. So , I asked him what I could do for him and he said that he needed me to bring him to my home, so I did . I put him on my bed and he told me too take of all my clothes . I thought about the wishes and I did it , after all , he was just a frog.

Suddenly , he became a gorgeous naked man lying on my bed"!

" HOW DID THAT GIVE YOU CRUTCHES "?!?!?

Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman

An important scientific project, with a lot of money injected into it from the government took place. The aim was, "why is the head of a man's penis larger than the shaft".

An English man, was paid $300,000 pounds, and after 3 weeks of experiments, came up with the conclusion that the, head of a
man's penis is larger than the shaft, so that the man has more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

The scientists tried again, and paid a French man, $750,000, and after 2 months of expensive experiments, came up with the conclusion that the, head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft, so the the woman has more pleasure during sexual intercourse.

The scientists tried for one final time with an Irish man. He was paid with a beer and a packet of crisps, and after a quick 15 minute experiment, the Irish man concluded: