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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 12:54 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Q: What do you call an Irishman who is constantly bouncing off the walls? A: Rick O'Shea. Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea? A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:43 PM                        Rated G Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons,paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."  |  IP: Logged Danny Hart Film Handler Posts: 50 From: St Andrews, Scotland Registered: Nov 2000 posted 07-19-2003 03:30 PM                     Rated G There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman in a pub. They don't know each other; they've only just met. The englishman says "Guess what. My name's George, and I was born on St George's Day." The Scotsman says "Wow that's incredible, because my name's Andrew, and I was born on St Andrew's Day!" They turn to the Irishman and say "You're name's not Patrick, by any chance?", the Irishman says "No, it's Pancake."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 12:46 PM                        Two Irishmen were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 10:50 AM                        Rated G Michele Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playingcheckers and sipping fine Irish whiskey.They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by. A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio. The first Irishman looks to the other and says,"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey."Shamus, I surely am.A fine day for a stroll with a wee one." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers. A few minutes later,a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand,gazing deeply into each others eyes. The first Irishman looks to the other and says,"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover." "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers. A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio,bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear,and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on. The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:11 PM                        Rated G Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, Because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. --The Guardian/ Haust Javeri  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated G A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland.He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied:"Ah, he's not that friendly.That's his bowl you're using.".  |  IP: Logged Gracia L. Babbidge Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 709 From: Bowdoin, Maine Registered: Aug 2000 posted 11-25-2003 02:35 AM                        Rated G So an Irish guy walked out of a pub ... No, it could happen!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated G Michele A group of Americans was touring Ireland.One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon,constantly complaining.The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible.It's too hot.It's too cold.The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said."Unfortunately,it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted."We have some other boring tour to go on.So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said,"it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone,you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said,"but I've sat on it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 08:22 PM                        Rated X Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and glasses of Jamieson whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry,I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.They continued this,pub after pub,getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."  |  IP: Logged Steve Kraus Film God Posts: 4094 From: Chicago, IL, USA Registered: May 2000 posted 12-27-2003 12:41 AM                    Two English men are walking along O'Connell Street when they see a sign in a shop window. Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50. One said to the other one "Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune, When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent." They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50. The owner of the shop says "You're English aren't you?" The Englishman replies "Oh bother... Yes, how the hell did you know that?" The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 10:59 AM                        An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, \talking about their sons. Rated G "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence,"remarked the Scot."My son was born on St Andrew's Day,so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible,what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 07:01 AM                        Rated G Michele The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," said the Irishman. "Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well,Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly,"I never happened to be with him when he was alone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2004 12:40 PM                        Rated G "Irish Shopping" McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2004 12:42 PM                        Rated G "I've Lost Me Luggage" An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.  |  IP: Logged

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