A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.

"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty.

The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Two lawyers are all who survive a ship wreck.

They wash up on a desert island and remain for a month.

One day, one of the lawyers sees something floating in. It looks like a beautiful, buxom woman wearing nothing but a life jacket. They pull the semi conscious woman from the surf and remove her jacket.

They stare at the moaning woman for several minutes. Finally, one lawyer leacherously looks at the other and asks,

"So . . . you want to fuck her?"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school.

The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions.

Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accoutant, and a lawyer.

"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"

"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, some what detachedly.

She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking.

The girl seems not to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations.

"I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.

Afterawhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.

The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.

The further he walked--the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did--and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?"

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

Why are research labratories using lawyers instead of rats?

Nobody cares what happens to a lawyer.

The lab assistants don't get attached to lawyers.

Great Laws Of America

1.It's illegal to pump gas in New Jersey
(Back to riding my unicycle)

2.In South Carolina, you can't keep a horse in the bathtub
(Your hiding place has been discovered Besse)

3.California's state's laws say pot-bellied pigs and hamsters in
animal shelters must be given the same treatment as cats and
dogs.(I worked 10 years trying to have that law passed.. now all I
need to do is have it enforced)

4.In Georgia, all signs must be written in english
(You are no exception Taco Bell!)

5.In some New Jersey communities, milk is the only item you're
allowed to buy on Sundays
(What, no toothpaste either?)

6.In Massachusetts, the law says you can go to jail if you
challenge or accept a duel -- even if it's never fought.
(Damnit..)

7.In Montana, it's considered a felony if a wife opens her
husbands mail for him
(Whoops)

8.In Arkansas, the government passed a law saying Arkansas must
be pronounced "Akrkansaw"
(Thank the Lord!)
9.On sundays in S. Carolina, you can't buy TVs and radios
(AND RADIOS??!!)

Lawyer Quips

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
**************

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
***************

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
***************

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
***************

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
***************

So you were gone until you returned?
***************

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?
***************

One day a lawyer and two doctors are sitting in a row on the plane, the lawyer closest to the aisle.

The lawyer decides to take of his shoes and stretch a little. Then he wants a soda, so he asks the two doctors if they would like anything.

"No thanks," said one of the doctors.

"Sure!" said the other one.

So the lawyer went back to get two sodas.

One of the doctorspicks up one of the lawyers shoes and spits in it.

The lawyer sits back down and gives the doctor his soda.

Then the other doctor says, "Now that you think about it, can I have one too?"

So the lawyer goes back to get another soda.

The other doctor picks up his other shoe and spits it that one.

The lawyer comes back and gives him his soda.

The plane lands and the doctors and the lawyer get off the plane and start talking.

What's the worst thing about our justice system?

Last Will & Testament

Lawyer, reading client's last will and testament to circle of expectant relatives:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel:

"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate.

"During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.

All I did was divorce him.