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Author Topic: Lawyers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 10:48 AM                        Rated G A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do. "Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G Judge: "Looking over your file, I see there was an earlier complaint against you back in October, 1995. Seems your ex-wife claimed you stole her heart, her money and the best years of her life." Accused: "I Never stole nothing, Your Honor. She never had a heart to begin with; if I had stolen her money, why am I so poor now? And when I met her, she was already 73,so the best years of her life had already passed." Judge: "Very well. Let's deal with today's complaint. You've been accused of stealing an 18-year-old's virginity in the back of your pickup truck." Accused: "Ain't true, Your Honor. The police arrived 5 minutes after her and I were in the back of my pickup. I didn't have time to hide anything even if I had stolen it. Furthermore, they checked my truck inside and out and never found a thing." Judge: "Let me get this straight. You admit you were with the girl at around 8 PM Saturday, February 30th?" Accused: "Gosh no, Your Honor. There is no February 30th." Judge: "What'd ya do, steal that too?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 06:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Two men are carpooling to work one morning when one says,"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." ." "Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.00'." [ 04-01-2003, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 07:10 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee Jury Selection A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause,such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position". "See,I have a problem with that passion business,"responded one jury candidate."During my first marriage,I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.All I did was divorce him.I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2003 11:48 AM                        Rated G "The only differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better looking and more honest about how they make a living."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 10:54 AM                        Rated G Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.' Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for them- selves. The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money." Equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!" This is one of law's greatest paradox.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:22 PM                        Rated G The Law of Common Sense Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist. The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Law Pertaining to Divorce Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 06:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial District of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However,once the jury, eight women and four men,had been seated and the trial was under way,the defendant switched his plea. "Why the change?" asked the judge."Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?" "No Sir," the man replied."When I pleaded 'not guilty',I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:26 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Mornin', my little Trial Lawyer, One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rearlegs were set precariously on the back of the raisedplatform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer,but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 08:53 AM                        Sue Bee The District Attorney stared at the jury,unable to believe its verdict. itterly he asked,"What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered, "Insanity." The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated PG Baby Blues It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car,walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble? I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said,"No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 01:40 PM                        Rated G At a paternity trial,the blonde's lawyer asked,"On the night of July 16th last,at approximately 11:45 p.m.,in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl,her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge,have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Volvos."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-25-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs.Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:22 PM                        Rated G Lawyer: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you? Witness: Yes, sir. Lawyer: How big would you say? Witness: (after a pause):Oh,about eight inches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said the wife to the lawyer. "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones, this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Mrs. Smith? I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket."  |  IP: Logged

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