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Author
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Topic: Lawyers
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2003 11:34 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Donations To The United Way
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.
"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."
The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."
"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."
"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"
The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."
The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2003 05:37 PM
Rated G
The Lawyer and the Banker
A lawyer, a fervent Democrat dressed in casual clothes, sits down to have his lunch in a park across from his office. Then he notices a very distinguished and dignified man sit down a few feet away on the grass; he is extremely well dressed in a tailored Hickey Freeman pinstriped suit, silk tie, starched white shirt, cuff links, tiepin, Rolex, highly polished black wingtips and silk socks. He places his expensive briefcase next to him and prepares for lunch.
"One of those Republicans, I’ll bet" thought the lawyer, and after introducing himself, he found out he is right not only a Republican, but an investment banker. The lawyer glances at the banker’s shoes, glistening in the sunlight.
Lawyer: "You have those polished every day, don’t you."
Investment Banker: "Just about. I have to look good for the clients."
Lawyer: "What about the poor? A few shoeshine would pay for a lot food."
Investment Banker: "I help them through taxes, but we all have personal responsibility."
Lawyer: "I'm telling you, the poor only need a chance! We should be GIVING them money; they haven't had our advantages!"
Investment Banker: "We all have to work for what we have."
Lawyer: "Look, poverty can happen to anyone! There's no way you can know that from where you sit!"
"Keep talking if you want to. When I sleep, nothing wakes me and I mean NOTHING." The investment banker sighs, then takes off his suit jacket, places it on the grass and falls deeply asleep.
Then a barefoot homeless man appears, and asks the lawyer for change. The lawyer apologizes, and says he has nothing, but then he sees the investment banker's wallet in his suit pocket. He slips it out, and hands it to the homeless man; then he notices that the homeless man needs shoes. Then he has an idea and he looks over at the feet of the sleeping investment banker.
"Wait!" cries the lawyer. "I'm sure you need these more than he does." He then starts to untie the investment banker's polished wingtips and carefully pulls them off. Even more carefully, he pulls off his black dress socks and hands both shoes and socks to the astonished homeless man. "With my compliments!"
Then the lawyer sees a sad woman with a baby walking by. "Can I help you?" he asks her. When he finds out that she needs money for her rent, the lawyer again approaches the snoring and now barefoot - investment banker and removes his cuff links; then he slips the tiepin out of the silk tie and the Rolex off his wrist. He hands them all to the delighted woman. "Sell these!" the lawyer cries. "Oh, thank you sir" says the delighted woman, and runs off.
Next, a man in a janitor's uniform walks by, looking dejected. "What's the matter, my friend?" says the lawyer sympathetically. "I...lost my job. I have a chance for a better one, but I don't have the clothes! This is all I have!" and he holds up a pair of old polyester pants.
The lawyer sighs, and then sees the businessman's pinstriped suit jacket. "Would this help?" he asks the man. "Sure!" cries the man. "You could use a briefcase, too!" says the lawyer and opens up the investment banker's briefcase. He removes the contents and hands it to the joyful man. Then he looks at the investment banker's silk tie and white shirt. Can he manage it?
He has to move the investment banker a few times, but he only snores and sleeps. Triumphantly the hands the shirt, belt and tie to the man. "Wait" the lawyer cries. "You really need a full suit. Give me a hand and I’ll need those polyester pants. I’m getting good at this" and with great care and trouble, set to work. Ten minutes later, the sleeping investment banker was wearing the polyester pants and the man was staring happily at his tailored suit. He thanks the lawyer profusely and runs off. "How good it is to help people!" he says to himself.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman walks up to the investment banker, and snaps: "Hey buddy, wake up, no loitering! We don't allow bums to sleep here"
Finally the investment banker wakes up with a start and looks down at himself with astonishment. There is nothing left of the impeccably dressed executive he had been when he left his office. He is barefoot, and wearing only cheap trousers and a t-shirt. It takes him a moment to realize that his suit, shoes, socks, suit, tie, watch, jewelry, money and briefcase are gone.
He turns to the lawyer in astonished fury. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! WHERE IS MY SUIT, MY TIE, MY SHIRT! WHERE ARE MY SHOES AND SOCKS!? MY BRIEFCASE! HOW CAN I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE LIKE THIS!? I LOOK LIKE A BUM!"
The policeman then turns to the lawyer and says "Is this bum disturbing you, sir?" and grabs the struggling investment banker by the arm and says: "You can sleep it off in the tank, buddy!" At that moment, his boss walks by on a stroll, sees his employee being dragged away and cries out, "You’re fired!"
The lawyer just shrugs and says: "Those republicans! They never think it will happen to them!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-16-2003 08:17 AM
Rated G
Spinster's Will
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-21-2003 07:53 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Lawyer and the Banker
A lawyer, a fervent Democrat dressed in casual clothes, sits down to have his lunch in a park across from his office. Then he notices a very distinguished and dignified man sit down a few feet away on the grass; he is extremely well dressed in a tailored Hickey Freeman pinstriped suit, silk tie, starched white shirt, cuff links, tiepin, Rolex, highly polished black wingtips and silk socks. He places his expensive briefcase next to him and prepares for lunch.
"One of those Republicans, I’ll bet" thought the lawyer, and after introducing himself, he found out he is right not only a Republican, but an investment banker. The lawyer glances at the banker’s shoes, glistening in the sunlight.
Lawyer: "You have those polished every day, don’t you."
Investment Banker: "Just about. I have to look good for the clients."
Lawyer: "What about the poor? A few shoeshine would pay for a lot food."
Investment Banker: "I help them through taxes, but we all have personal responsibility."
Lawyer: "I'm telling you, the poor only need a chance! We should be GIVING them money; they haven't had our advantages!"
Investment Banker: "We all have to work for what we have."
Lawyer: "Look, poverty can happen to anyone! There's no way you can know that from where you sit!"
"Keep talking if you want to. When I sleep, nothing wakes me and I mean NOTHING." The investment banker sighs, then takes off his suit jacket, places it on the grass and falls deeply asleep.
Then a barefoot homeless man appears, and asks the lawyer for change. The lawyer apologizes, and says he has nothing, but then he sees the investment banker's wallet in his suit pocket. He slips it out, and hands it to the homeless man; then he notices that the homeless man needs shoes. Then he has an idea and he looks over at the feet of the sleeping investment banker.
"Wait!" cries the lawyer. "I'm sure you need these more than he does." He then starts to untie the investment banker's polished wingtips and carefully pulls them off. Even more carefully, he pulls off his black dress socks and hands both shoes and socks to the astonished homeless man. "With my compliments!"
Then the lawyer sees a sad woman with a baby walking by. "Can I help you?" he asks her. When he finds out that she needs money for her rent, the lawyer again approaches the snoring and now barefoot - investment banker and removes his cuff links; then he slips the tiepin out of the silk tie and the Rolex off his wrist. He hands them all to the delighted woman. "Sell these!" the lawyer cries. "Oh, thank you sir" says the delighted woman, and runs off.
Next, a man in a janitor's uniform walks by, looking dejected. "What's the matter, my friend?" says the lawyer sympathetically. "I...lost my job. I have a chance for a better one, but I don't have the clothes! This is all I have!" and he holds up a pair of old polyester pants.
The lawyer sighs, and then sees the businessman's pinstriped suit jacket. "Would this help?" he asks the man. "Sure!" cries the man. "You could use a briefcase, too!" says the lawyer and opens up the investment banker's briefcase. He removes the contents and hands it to the joyful man. Then he looks at the investment banker's silk tie and white shirt. Can he manage it?
He has to move the investment banker a few times, but he only snores and sleeps. Triumphantly the hands the shirt, belt and tie to the man. "Wait" the lawyer cries. "You really need a full suit. Give me a hand and I’ll need those polyester pants. I’m getting good at this" and with great care and trouble, set to work. Ten minutes later, the sleeping investment banker was wearing the polyester pants and the man was staring happily at his tailored suit. He thanks the lawyer profusely and runs off. "How good it is to help people!" he says to himself.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman walks up to the investment banker, and snaps: "Hey buddy, wake up, no loitering! We don't allow bums to sleep here"
Finally the investment banker wakes up with a start and looks down at himself with astonishment. There is nothing left of the impeccably dressed executive he had been when he left his office. He is barefoot, and wearing only cheap trousers and a t-shirt. It takes him a moment to realize that his suit, shoes, socks, suit, tie, watch, jewelry, money and briefcase are gone.
He turns to the lawyer in astonished fury. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! WHERE IS MY SUIT, MY TIE, MY SHIRT! WHERE ARE MY SHOES AND SOCKS!? MY BRIEFCASE! HOW CAN I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE LIKE THIS!? I LOOK LIKE A BUM!"
The policeman then turns to the lawyer and says "Is this bum disturbing you, sir?" and grabs the struggling investment banker by the arm and says: "You can sleep it off in the tank, buddy!" At that moment, his boss walks by on a stroll, sees his employee being dragged away and cries out, "You’re fired!"
The lawyer just shrugs and says: "Those republicans! They never think it will happen to them!"
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