Jill was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.

When Jill heard her name was called, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," Jill answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached her and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of public indecency with a one-legged dwarf, who was waving a Rebel Flag, on the roof of a car, while traveling at over 100 mph through thecenter of New York, in a blizzard?"

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.

He didn't want to go to jail. But the lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.

Drug Trial...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as
a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other
drugs from the defendant?"

"No, sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No, sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers
and their clients?

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client: "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

REVISED JUDICIAL OATH:

"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know!"

Lets Be Honest

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let’s be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

In a divorce case, the local gigolo was brought
to the stand, accused of sleeping with the
plaintiff's wife.

The judge asked, "This man claims that you seduced his wife. Are you guilty? "

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services."My fee for that work,"acidly snapped the attorney,"is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet,removed a one-thousand dollar bill,replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

The judge looked at the defendant and yelled, "I thought I told you last time that I never wanted to see you here again!"

ASSAULT AND BATTERY

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

"I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard."

A purse snatcher was on trial and the defendant was stating what had taken place.

"Yes, that's him," she said. "I saw him clear as day. I would remember his face anywhere!"