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Author Topic: Lawyers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 06:21 AM                        Rated G A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job,and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,"You are really a country hick,old man,but I put one over on you in there.I couldn't have won the case.The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning.I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied,"Well,I'll tell you young feller,I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 06:52 AM                        Rated G A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer."If I lose this case,I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.He might even hold you in contempt of court.In fact,you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time,the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse,he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer."It's easy.I sent the cigars to the judge,but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:34 AM                        RATED G Michele The only differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better looking and more honest about how they make a living.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 12:41 PM                        Rated G Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? Answer: An offer you can't understand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 01:09 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Know any lawyers that these may remind you of? The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Why does New York have the most lawyers in the country while Nova Scotia has the most toxic waste sites? Nova Scotia got first choice. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 02:23 PM                        Rated G An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session. He was asked, "Property holder?" Douglas replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Douglas responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" Douglas stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 02:43 PM                        Rated G And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action," asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing. "All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband,"but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table." "Why? What happened?" "She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2004 12:25 PM                        Rated G A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice." "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer said angrily,"Of course you married a woman! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness said meekly,"My sister did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 08:33 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery. That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't,and the State says you have to.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 07:05 AM                        Rated G Michele There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay them end-to-end, they would reach into the each other's pockets.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:24 PM                        Rated G During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2004 12:05 PM                        Rated G Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him,"My neighbor owesme $500 and he doesn't want to pay up.What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay,then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely.That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 09:44 AM                        Rated G A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:23 AM                        Rated G A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:25 AM                        Rated G Michele While I was attending a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means, "To hear the other party." After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man, "My Wife."  |  IP: Logged

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