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Author Topic: Lawyers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 12:16 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals. He demanded a trial by jury. "But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him. "I know," said the man. "I did it on purpose. My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case. I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2007 01:32 PM                        Rated PG Subject: NY Lawyer Versus Texas Sheriff's Deputy A fancy New York lawyer was driving in Houston, Texas when he runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy approaches the lawyers vehicle and says," License and registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" The deputy says; "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and we forget about the ticket." The Deputy after contemplating this for a moment replies; "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir." Now this is where it gets really good.... The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and asks.... "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his wife; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . . " Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that? I pay her good money to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 09:24 PM                        Rated G Ed In Aurora, Ont. In case anyone wants to go lawyer-hunting with heavy artillery after reading this, get in line . . . STELLA AWARDS It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.You remember,she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right;these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know,the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year: 7TH PLACE:Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,considering the running toddler was her own son. 6TH PLACE:Carl Truman, 19,of Los Angeles,California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher. 5TH PLACE:Terrence Dickson,of Bristol,Pennsylvania,who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson,the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly,the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more... 4TH PLACE:Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch. 3RD PLACE:Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go... 2ND PLACE:Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. ARE WE, AS A SOCIETY, GETTING MORE STUPID ... ? YUP!!!!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2008 08:13 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things,fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a ser ies of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued, and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:49 PM                        Rated G Lawyer on Vacation A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:51 PM                        Rated G A Day in Court A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions. "You witnessed the robbery, sir?" "Yes." "What was stolen?" "Two televisions." "Did you see the thieves?" "Yes." "Could you identify them?" "Yes." "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" At this point, the two defendants raise their hands. (What's a defense attorney to do?)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:54 PM                        Rated PG Signs That You Might Need A New Lawyer * During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy. * Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniel's to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. * He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. * He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..." * Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" * Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. * The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM." * Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." * He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." * Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code. * Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting from the jury. * Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, "Yahtzee!" * Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties. * You met him in prison. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." * A prison guard is shaving your head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2008 08:33 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti What is the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer? A wood tick falls off you when you die.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2008 08:35 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington, D. C., has so many lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:16 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Ninety percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 09:32 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man calls a lawyer's office.The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2008 03:13 PM                        Rated g Lorraine A woman went to her lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me". The woman looks somewhat upset..."Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice...but I'd like to leave a little to my children too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2008 05:03 PM                        Rated PG An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor "There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people." The Hundred-Dollar Bill. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.[/b] A Reasonable Fee A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 01-30-2017 11:54 AM                 It has been 2960 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged

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