After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool."

The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!"

"What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.

"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you may."

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

'Guilty', said the man.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up shouting 'You dirty rat!'.

The Judge asked the man to sit down and refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued '...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead'.

'Guilty', said the man.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted 'You dirty rotten stinking rat'.

At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said 'I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.

I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to this man.

He replied 'He is my next door neighbor'.

The Judge replied 'I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments'.

The man replied 'No, your Honor, you don't understand.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity!

Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.

While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. 

Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? 
A: The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead. 

****************************************************************************

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window... "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

LAWYER ISLAND

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water.

They've been stranded here for quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another.

One of the lawyers takes his daily climb up a tree, hoping to see a ship in the vicinity.

The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and just wasting his time.

But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.

He's up there only a short time before he starts screamong, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

He reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a raft with an unconscious naked blonde woman laying on her back.

The two lawyers stand over her and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long time...do you think we should screw her?"

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous.

Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Mr. Smith," replied the judge,

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied,"I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property--a garden spot--surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent
to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements
to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the
premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

Minnie and Mickey     

Everyone knows that Minnie and Mickey are married.  

Well, lately there marriage has been on the rocks.  So they decided to have a divorce.

 Well, one day in court, Mickey is getting ready for the settlement case and his lawyer comes up to him and says,"Mickey, I'm so sorry to dissapoint you, but we've done all the research we could and Minnie is in no way crazy or insane.

"Mickey was staring at his lawyer with sheer confusion.  

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the backgarden. When is the best time to plant it?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,replied in a letter:"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."