A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts
spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting  of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir."

A Lawyer talking to his son.

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question.

Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.

The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.

Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills."

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

There were three men at a bar.

One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men.

The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”

The man said, “Here and there.”

The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”

The man said, “This and that.”

The judge then said, “Take him away.”

The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

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What is that a lawyer can do that a duck can't?

Stick his bill up his ass.

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What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why is a degree like a condom?

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All ready back here, Captain," came the reply, "except for one lawyer, who is passing out business cards."
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The lawyer went into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

"That's a nasty looking growth," said the doctor.

A man is convicted of murdering a woman.

The man then goes to a lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. "Five hundred dollars!"

"Five Hundred dollars? I don't have that much money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?"

"Well," says the lawyer, "I have one glass eye. Tell me which eye is the glass one and I'll support your case for free."

Immediately the man says, "The left eye." "Wow!" goes the lawyer, "How did you know?"

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked."

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite angry and concerned and proceeded to walk over and ask them, "Jes what the hell to you think your doing?!

You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were over heard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

Legal Advice

Doug had just started his new law practice and was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
 
The judge ordered Doug, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Doug reentered the courtroom alone.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Not much, except a prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.

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What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

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What is that a lawyer can do that a duck can't?