Lawyer's Affair

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A man walks into an upscale Lawyer's office and requests an appointment. After a lengthy wait, he is summoned to the barrister's office."Sir, let me see if I understand your case correctly." says the lawyer. "Apparently you've been arrested for seeking carnal knowledge of a...ah...goat in the middle of the park?"

"Yessir," replies the man a bit bashfully.

"Well, fortunately I can help you. My specialty is trial law, and I can guarentee that you'll be found completely innocent, but my fee is $300 an hour, plus expenses."

"I can't afford that!" protested the man.

"Well, then let me refer you to a friend of mine, perhaps he can help."

So the man walks off, in search of the second lawyer's office. He finds it eventually in a somewhat less posh section of town.

"So you were arrested for having sex with a goat in the park eh?" asks the lawyer. "Ok, I can help. My specialty is law research. My paralegals and I can find any previous cases in this area, and guarentee that you'll be found innocent. My fee's are only $150 an hour, plus expenses."

"Thats just too much!" replied the man.

"Well, let me send you on to a comrade of mine, if he can't help you , no one can."

So once again the man finds himself looking for a lawyer, and at long last finds the run-down office in "the bad part of town."

"So they caught you doin a goat in the park eh? No problem. My specialty is jury selection. Aint no way they'll put you away when we get our case presented "

"But how much is it gonna cost me?" The man asked doubtfully

"Only $50 for the whole thing."

"Thats great!" he replied, "The trial is monday"

So the day of the trial arrives, and we find the arresting officer on the stand under cross-examination.

"So Officer O'leary, explain to the court exactly what happened on the night you arrested the defendant" asked the prosecutor.

"Well, I was walkin by and saw Mr. Smith there in...uh...Intimate Contact with that Goat. Then, when they were done, the goat turned around and proceeded to lick his testicles!"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia. The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!

"The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;

No. 1, It's none of your damn business.

No. 2, She was my wife.

LAW PUNS

Lawyers wear law suits.

Next time you give a layer a drink, give him Just-ice.

A lawyer using a facismile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.

A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case.

Dectectives like to have a brief case.

A detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured it must be blackmail.

There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.

Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.

A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

"You seem like an intelligent, honest man who wouldn't lie to the court,"
the lawyer said sarcastically to the witness.

A prosecutor is questioning a man on trial for murder.

The attorney says, "Did you kill the victim?"

The defendant says, "No, I did not."

The lawyer closes in on the suspect and asks, "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

SUPREME COURT RULES EARNINGS SHOULD BE PROTECTED AS "ART"

Recognition of Pro-Formalist Movement Gets WorldCom, Andersen Off Hook

Washington, D.C.

(SatireWire.com) - In a surprise decision that exonerates dozens of major companies, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that corporate earnings statements should be protected as works of art,as they
"create something from nothing."

"One plus one is two. That is math. That is science. But as we have seen, earnings and revenues are abstract and original concepts, ideas not bound by physical constraints or coarse realities, and must therefore be considered art," the Court wrote in its 7-2 decision.

The impact of the ruling was widespread. Investigations into hundreds of firms were canceled, and collectors began snatching up original balance sheets, audits, and P&L statements from WorldCom, Enron, and Global Crossing. Meanwhile, auditing firms such as Arthur Andersen (now Art by Andersen) were reclassified as art critics, whose opinions are no longer liable.

"Before we had to go in and decide, 'Is it right, or is it wrong?'" said KPMG spokesman Dan Fischer. "Now we must only decide, 'Is it art?'"

In Congress, all further hearings into irregularities were abandoned in favor of an abstract accounting lecture given by Scott Sullivan, former Chief Financial Artist of WorldCom, which had been charged with fraud for improperly accounting for $3.85 billion.

"Art should reflect life, so what I was really trying to accomplish with this third quarter report was acknowledge that life is an illusion," said Sullivan, explaining his acclaimed work, "10Q for the Period Ending 9/30/01."

U.S. Rep. Billy Tauzin of Louisiana, however, was forced to apologize, admitting he could only see a lie.

"Yes, well, a man with a concretized view of the world may only be able to see numbers that 'Don't add up,'" said a haughty Sullivan.
"But someone whose perceptions are not always chained to reality - a stock analyst, say - may see numbers that, like the human spirit, aspire to be greater than they are."

Several Sullivan pieces are now part of a new show at New York's Museum of Modern Art entitled, "Shadows & Spreadsheets: The Origins of Pro-Formalism.

Robert Weidlin, an SEC investigator and avid collector, was among the first to peruse the Enron exhibit, which takes up an entire wing of the museum. "You look at these works, and you say 'Is this a profit, or a loss? Is this firm a subsidiary, or a holding company?'" said Walden. "I have stood in front of this one balance sheet for hours, and each moment I come away with something different."

Like other patrons, Weidlin said he didn't know whether to be impressed or outraged, a reaction that pleased Andrew Fastow, the former Enron CFA who is a leading proponent of the Trompe L'Shareholder style.

"An artist should not be afraid to be shocking," said Fastow. "As did the Modernists, we should fearlessly depart from tradition and embrace the use of innovative forms of expression. Like, say,
'Special Purpose Entities' and 'Pooling of Interests.'"

Sullivan, meanwhile, said the was influenced by the Flemish Masters, particularly Lernout & Hauspie, the Belgian speech recognition software company that collapsed last year after an audit discovered the firm had cooked its books in 1998, 1999, and 2000.

"Lernout & Hauspie simply invented sales figures, just willed them out of thin air and onto the paper," he said. "Me? I must live with a spreadsheet a long time before I begin to work it. You must be patient and wait until the numbers reveal themselves to you."

And what about the reaction to his work? "I realize people are angry, people are hurt. But I cannot concern myself with that," he said. "As with all true artists, I don't expect to be understood during my lifetime."

A defendant approaches the judge in city court.

The judge looks at him closely. "I know you, don't I?" he asks.

"Uh, yes," the prisoner says hesitantly.

The judge keeps staring at the fellow, trying to place him. Finally he says, "All right, tell me. How do I know you?"

"Judge, do I have to tell you?" the man asks.

"Of course," says the judge. "You might be obstructing justice if you don't tell me."

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"