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Author
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Topic: Lawyers
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-08-2002 09:13 AM
Rated G  Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you? Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you alone or by yourself? Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female? Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? Q: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And did you take your new wife? Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time? Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So you were gone until you returned? Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls? Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
A: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors.
Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels?
A: Only on the floor models. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet. Q: All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! 
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-09-2002 04:45 PM
Rated G  "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-05-2003 05:31 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Unusual Laws
"No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited" (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
"It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing." (Texas)
An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)
In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals.
In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.
When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.
In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced "Arkansaw".
Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."
It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
"It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit" (New York).
"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water." (Arizona)
It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.
In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.
In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.
An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery.
It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as "lepe yeare" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be "mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later.
At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class).
After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)
In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day.
'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits" (Florida).
Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation.
It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London.
"It is illegal to lasso a fish" (Tennessee).
In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.
Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.
"It is against the law to advertise on tombstones" (Virginia).
"Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts" (Texas).
Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.
Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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