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Author
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Topic: Lawyers
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 08:19 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lorraine
Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher,rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?
Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and
I know it when I see it.
Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis.
A lady came in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs
anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my
office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to
crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you
called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I
said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-24-2003 12:36 PM
Rated G Michele
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good,I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued,"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going,I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded,"And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong... Hi Dan!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 08-14-2003 05:41 PM
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The
transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under
his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a
sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and
as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to
run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is
behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as
far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post,
he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the
breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so
you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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