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Author Topic: Lawyers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 12:01 PM                        Rated G "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 03:38 PM                        Rated G They won't prescribe Viagra to Lawyers anymore. It only makes them taller.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 01:52 PM                        Rated G This lawyer walked into a bar with a toad on his head and ordered a beer. Bartender served him and asked "what's that?" "I don't know", said the toad, "it started out as a wart on my ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2006 09:39 AM                        Rated G A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Marriott Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2006 08:29 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A butcher saw a lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Attorney, what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat? Lawyer replied: Why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it! The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $20 because it is your dog. The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $20 from the $50 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $30 the next time I pass by here.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2006 08:38 AM                        Rated G Marty Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70? A: Your Honor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 07:05 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The brillant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 11:40 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti PROSECUTOR: Did you kill the victim?" DEFENDANT: No, I did not. PROSECUTOR: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? DEFENDANT: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2007 07:14 PM                        Rated G Marty An attorney known for working long hours was told by his doctor to take a few days off for rest. The law firm got a call for the absent lawyer later that week and when told that the lawyer was not in, the caller exclaimed, "Wonderful!" This is his doctor calling!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-09-2007 03:42 PM                        Rated PG.... A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, “Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?” Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.” Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding? I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2007 12:24 PM                        Rated G Attorney: All your responses Must be oral, OK? Witness: OK. Attorney: What school did you go to? Witness: Oral  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2007 09:32 AM                        Rated G Ed in QAurora, Ont. If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2007 12:28 PM                        Rated G George "Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the baliff. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" His Honor replied, "Hamilton, the crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:26 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count. Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, "Justice has triumphed!" A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, "Appeal at once!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2007 10:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.  |  IP: Logged

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