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Author Topic: Lawyers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 06:42 AM                        Rated G Andrew Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 04:16 PM                        Rated G If laws were written in English, Would Lawyers still make $200.00 per hour.?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:49 AM                        Rated G B.B. TOP TEN REASONS LAWYERS SECRETLY WANT to BE JUDGES 10. You can hide all kinds of stuff under that robe. 9. The only thing cooler than saying, "Objection!" is saying, "Overruled." 8. Doesn't matter if that smug lawyer makes three times as much as you ... you've got the power. 7. Can't wear shorts to work in *front* of the bench these days. 6. Who needs billable hours? You can fine anyone you want! 5. Judge Judy only works 30 minutes a day ... who *wouldn't want that job? 4. You can take all the recess you want. 3. You can say, "Gosh, don't make a federal case out of it!" and it would mean something. 2. It takes the sting out of failing the bar exam the first two or three times. 1. You can quote Voltaire, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Bob Dylan or SpongeBob SquarePants and everyone will think it's profound.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 07:50 AM                        Rated PG "I sentence you to six months in custody..." proclaimed the judge to the local tough convicted of armed robbery. The criminal swaggered and interrupted, bragging, "I can do that standing on my head." Without missing a beat, the judge added, "...and another 90 days to get you back on your feet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G B.B. An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 07:13 AM                        Rated G B.B. You Know You Need A New Lawyer When... - When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 01:18 PM                        Rated G A lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 01-12-2006 02:32 PM                     Rated G A lawyer is building a new cabinet. He does not have much clients, so he says to his secretary: "Please, if someone arrives, make sure to let him wait 15-20 minutes. Also make sure there are a lot of documents on my table as I would have a lot to do." As a man arrives one day - he has to wait. While he is waiting he can hear the lawyer phoning a woman about a divorce (how much she can get, which steps are to take etc. etc.). This lasts indeed 16 minutes. So the man walks in. Lawyer:"How can I help you?" - "I wanted to connect your phone, I am from AT&T!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 07:08 AM                        Rated G B.B. A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying; "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2006 09:02 AM                        Rated G B.B. There is a certain literal-minded judge in Chicago who, when he swears-in a dentist, uses these words, 'Do you swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 08:24 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti The attorney was a Yankees fan who had a court date during a wild card playoff game. Since computers and cell phones were not allowed in the courtroom he asked his wife to watch the game on TV and said he'd call when he had the chance to find out who won. When the judge called a five-minute recess, the lawyer bolted from the courtroom and ran to a pay phone. "What happened?" he asked. "The game's over," said his wife. "The score was six to four." "Who won?" She replied, "The team with six."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-28-2006 05:34 PM                        Rated PG... A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going? She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it!" He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 10:18 AM                        Rated G B.B. While I was attending a Law course, the "Audi alteram parten" rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 08:59 AM                        Rated G Question? What can a goose do , a duck can't and a lawyer should? Answer: Stick its bill up its ass.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 11:30 AM                        Rated G Chris A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."  |  IP: Logged

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