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Author
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Topic: Lawyers
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 06-12-2005 02:10 PM
Rated G...
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities, requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-12-2005 02:02 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness."Isn't it true," he bellowed,"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said,"Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-27-2005 03:23 PM
Rated G
When Albert Brown appeared for sentencing on charges of selling dope, Judge Warren handed the man one of his judicial robes and said, "This is your life... Sentence yourself."
In tears, Brown gave himself six months in jail and, according to news reports, "tacked on a string of self-imposed conditions, such as cleaning himself up for his kids, and steering clear of the neighborhood where he got busted."
Speaking to reporters, Judge Warren said, "I had the transcript typed up and sent to him, just in case he forgets."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2005 09:49 AM
Rated G
Equal Justice Under the Law
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
ONLY IN AMERICA!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2005 03:45 PM
Rated G
As a young lawyer, I was rather nervous being up against one of the most experienced litigators in town.
I was encouraged, however, when as senior counsel in the case just before mine, he argued precisely the same issues I planned to argue on behalf of my client. And he won.
When our case was called, I told the judge, "I adopt my friend's arguments from the previous case and seek the same order."
The senior counsel opposed my application. "Why," the judge asked him, "should I give you exactly the opposite order, on the same facts, as the last case?"
"Because if you give me both orders," he argued, "you'll be sure you were right once."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-19-2005 01:52 PM
Rated G
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar
and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had
a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a
lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they
were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've
only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing
someone!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2005 10:31 AM
Rated G Betsy
Attorney Jones and Smith were arguing over whether sex was work or pleasure. Being unable to reach an agreement, they decided they would ask their paralegal to decide the issue.
Upon explaining the question to their paralegal, he thought for a moment before responding, "Why, is it definitely all pleasure."
Smith, who'd felt it was work, asked, "But how can you say that so quickly?"
The paralegal just smiled and replied, "Why, that's easy. If there were any work involved, you'd have me do it for you."
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