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Author Topic: Lawyers Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-19-2003 06:16 PM                        Two lawyers decided to take their vacation together and went on a small private plane to visit Paris for a week. There was a terrible storm, the plane went down into the Atlantic Ocean. Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few banana trees and a few coconut trees. They were stranded for months eating only bananas and coconuts. Each day they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a ship out there to rescue them. One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber raft, and it's headed this way!" Steve called up, "Is there anyone on it?" "No...oh...wait!" YES!!! it's a beautiful blonde woman! And she's naked!" The rubber raft finally reached the island, and the woman was alive, but unconscious. The lawyers pulled her up onto the beach. Carl said, "It's been a real long time...do you think we could...you know....screw her? Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G Michele The judge turned to the woman and said:"I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob.Can you give me an example?" "Yes, your Honor",replied the wife."Whenever we go out,he always drinks with his pinkie sticking out." "There's nothing wrong with that madam,in fact,it's considered good manners in some circles to drink with the little finger sticking out," comments the judge. "But your honor," replied the woman,"I wasn't talking about his finger." [ 10-17-2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?" "Yes" "What was stolen?" "Two televisions" "Did you see the thieves?" "Yes" "Could you identify them?" "Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" At this point, the two defendants raised their hands. (What's a defense attorney to do?)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town. “Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off?” The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.” And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 09:42 AM                        Rated G Early one morning a man received a frantic call from a friend who was getting divorced and had to get to court,but was too nervous to drive. He asked this friend to give him a lift to the court house. His friend agreed.When they got there,since the friend had never been to a divorce court,he decided to go inside. Once on the stand,the man getting the divorce threw himself into describing what an awful person his wife was."Your honor, my wife has developed an obsession with rabbits. She has rabbits in the kitchen,rabbits in the den,rabbits in the bathroom!And with this hot weather,you just can't imagine what the smell is like with all the windows closed." "Why don't you open the windows?", asked the judge. "I couldn't do that. All my pet birds would fly out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 10:53 AM                        Rated G Michele My lawyer asked me to pay him in cash. I gave him a check. He said,"I asked you to pay me in cash." Acting innocent,I said,"A check is cash." "No," he replied."Cash is green." "My goodness,are you trying to defraud me?" I asked. "No," he answered."I'm trying to defraud the IRS."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2003 01:37 PM                        Rated G Michele Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. "Is this a tough judge?" the prisoner asked the baliff. The baliff replied, "A tough but fair judge." "Yeah?" continued the prisoner. "How tough?" "The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate," the baliff replied. The prisoner answered, "I don't know him. I'm not from around here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2003 02:43 PM                        Rated G A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping,and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G One day a man came into a legal office for advice about a debt he owed. The lawyer told the client that technically he could get out of the obligation. "But morally," the lawyer continued, "you have a responsibility. As legal counsel, my recommendation is that you satisfy the debt." The client rose and walked toward the door. "Sir, there's a $25 fee for my advice," the lawyer reminded him. With a shake of his head, the man replied,"I'm not taking your advice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 11:16 AM                        Rated X or G Depends on How You Think LAS in CT TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge. 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated G popo Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 05:46 AM                        Rated G Michele Now that lawyers can advertise,says a reporter,you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back." [ 11-14-2003, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:56 PM                        Rated G Michele I phoned one of those "let's sue everyone partnerships" that advertise on T. V. I told them I wanted to sue them!I hurt myself going for the remote to turn them off. Their response was,"Which member of the firm was doing the commercial?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 10:03 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman...... so I showed her." [ 11-26-2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 12:44 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?" "Yes, sir," answered the boy. "I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?" "My father, sir." "And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly. "He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."  |  IP: Logged

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