Why is being in the military like a blow job?

A son comes home from the Army.

After a few hours, he finally gets to talk to his father alone behind the barn.

"So, son, what did the Army teach you?" asked the father.

"Well, they taught me how to kill people," said the son.

"With what?" asked father.

"We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my favorite was the grenade," said the son.

"What's a grenade?" asked the father.

"Well, I brought one home to show you. You just pull this pin out and throw it as far as you can," said the son.

The son proceeded to give a demonstration. Lo and behold, the son throws the grenade on top of the outhouse.KABOOM!!! The outhouse is demolished.

All the lumber and everything else lands in a heap in the yard.

A private was serving duties at his barracks in the car-park booth. The phone in the booth rang and the private answered.

The other person on the phone, sounding rather distressed, said, "Quick soldier, tell me what cars there are in the car-park.''

So the private looked outside and came back to the phone, ''There's a Bentley at the far end belonging to that fat bastard Colonel Parker.''

''Do you know who this is?'' the voice screamed, ''This is Colonel Parker.''

The private seeming unphased, replied ''Well, do you know who this is?''

''No'' was the reply.

Q: Why do sailors have tattoos on thier backs?

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers.

They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexican's.   We don't like Mexican's."

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. The father asked him if he had jumped.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.

Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.

He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.'

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.

I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an arguement about which service is "The Best." The arguing became so heated they eventually ended up killing each other. Soon, they found themselves at the pearly gates of Heaven. They met St. Peter and decided only he would be the ultimate source of truth and honesty, so they asked him, "St. Peter, which branch of the American Armed Forces is the best?"

St. Peter instantly replied, " I can't answer that, but I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."

Sometime later, the four warriors see St. Peter again and reminded him of the question, and asked if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly a white dove lands on St. Peter's shoulder. In the doves beak is a note with glistening gold dust. St.Peter said to the four men, "Your answer from the boss... Let's see what he says." St. Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and St. Peter begins to read it aloud to the four young men:

Memorandum for Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen

Subject: Which Military Service is the Best?

"Gentlemen, all the Branches of the American Armed Services are 'Honorable and Nobel.' Each of you serves your country well and with distinction. Being a member of the American Armed Forces represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication. Be proud of that."

Very Respectfully,

The top 40 signs that you may be an infantry officer:

40. You think that the S-2 (Intelligence Section) and the Fire Support Element (FSE) are the only important sections, besides infantry of course, in the Tactical Operations Center (TOC), and therefore fail missions miserably because you won’t listen to anyone else.

39. You have any of the following: Ranger Tab, EIB/CIB, Parachutist Badge w/ combat star, Air Assault Badge, SCUBA badge, combat patch, but no brain.

38. You’re bewildered when you flash your Ranger tab around and no one, but your brainless buddies, is impressed.

37. Your peers relentlessly abused you at West Point.

36. You use the term "geek mail" as an insult to technology and those who use it, but cry like a whiny bitch for the Signal Officer (SIGO) when your e-mail doesn’t work.

35. If you think "aggregate test" is something the SIGO does to you to see how much he can get away with.

34. You wonder why on earth the SIGO doesn't call back when you have paged him 6 times...after the first 2,000.

33. You never bother to actually try to call his house after duty hours after he hasn't answered your pages.

32. When there are new technologies the SIGO is trying to break the code on and figure out, you deem it necessary to say, "Have one of your Noncommissioned Officers (NCOs) do it." because you think the SIGO being trained as a battle captain is more important.

31. When the SIGO is pulling his hair out trying to get things to work, you wonder why the new technologies weren't debugged before going to the field.

30. You think the world revolves around the S3 (Operations) shop, so therefore, all signal assets should be placed in the TOC, even though you don't know how to use them and will yell "SIGO" every time you do want to use them.

29. You tell the SIGO to "train" his personnel on computers. Task, Conditions, Standards...followed by a practical exercises.

28. Even though you gave a 911 call to commo to fix something that you screwed up and can't fix yourself, you still stand over the SIGO's shoulder and sharpshoot him.

27. You don't see a problem with #28.

26. You don't consider it to be anything important unless it is on a spreadsheet, MOI, butcher block, matrix, chart...

25. You wonder why the S3 shop is always out of paper.

24. Your favorite words/phrases include: "status, staff it, brief, battle staff, trigger, RETRANS station (even though you still don't know how it works), suspense, staff huddle, make it happen,..."

23. You think the SIGO's #1 mission-essential task is to ensure that your e-mail works.

22. You still have not figured out what "10 working days" means for a commercial telephone drop request for field training.

21. You take out your frustrations on the SIGO because you are a "Tabless Bitch" among the ranger-qualified captains in the unit.

20. Even though the SIGO has told you otherwise numerous times, YOUR expert communications opinion leaves no doubt in YOUR mind that what YOU have planned communications-wise will work. It won’t!

19. You blame the SIGO for #20 when it doesn't work.

18. You think the best spot for communications is the low ground or in a cave.

17. You think WF-16 type telephone wire has elasticity and demand that the TOC be placed twice the length of the wire away from the terminal.

16. Even though you did the exact opposite of what the SIGO told you to do, you still cannot accept fault because you are not the communications guy.

15. You simply cannot understand the correlation between something suddenly ceasing to operate and you unplugging it just seconds before.

14. You fear that someday a signal officer will shove an antenna up your ass and key the handset on the radio because you've been such a prick your entire military career.

13. The world appears to center around you (emphasis on "appears").

12. You weren't smart enough to be a Marine.

11. You wish MREs (rations) would come in "Superior Officer's Dick" flavor.

10. You frequently uses grunts (pun intended) and noises, instead of connected speech, to express thoughts and ideas.

9. Even after being informed of the time required to finish a task, you think that continually pressuring and annoying someone speeds up the process.

8. You publicly ridicule and harass signal officers and call them geeks, but are actually envious of their superior intelligence and common sense. You secretly pray that someday, you'll be like one of them.

7. You think that being stupid is acceptable behavior and even boast and laugh about your own idiocy.

6. Even the simplest of concepts from anyone other than infantry befuckles you into a dazed stupor.

5. Your kids, when around the SIGO's kids, don't mention what daddy does for fear of embarrassment and beatings. (or... Your kids tell everyone that their daddy is a signal officer so the other kids will like them.)

4. You demand to have the most recent technology and gadgets at your fingertips like the SIGO does, but have no earthly idea what they're used for, let alone how to operate them.

3. Compared to you, a moron is pretty damn smart.

2. You find this list not the least bit funny and would like to strangle the jesters who wrote it.

And the number one sign that you might be an infantry officer...

A junior officer at the Pentagon was a hard worker, and he had a very nice well-furnished office. However, he began behaving strangely. First he shoved his desk out into the space also occupied by his secretary's desk. Then a few days later, as he was leaving for the day, he pushed his desk out into one of the many long corridors. He worked there for a few days, and then he shoved his desk into the men's room and set up work there.

All of this had not escaped the notice of his fellow workers. It seemed more and more strange to them, so strange that they did not dare ask the officer himself what he was doing. Instead, they went to the division psychiatrist and asked him to ask the officer.

So the psychiatrist walked into the men's room, sat on the edge of the officer's desk and asked, "Why have you kept moving your desk? Especially, why into the men's room?"

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska.

The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.

"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.

"Dick, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick, at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!"

Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.

"What are you doing?"

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.

They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, a new recruit eagerly asked his Recruiter what he could expect from jump school."

Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else," the recruit asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys,The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" asked the recruit.

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.

Fresh out of boot amp I hit the beach at Okinawa,clawed my way up the blood- soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade."

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire."

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"