Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and then said into the phone: "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him the afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted
man, he asked, "What do you want, soldier?"

Navy...

Ah - the Navy - It's an adventure ... the suggestions below are
made on behalf of those who think the Navy is a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those who watched one too many episodes of
JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. To experience Navy life, try a couple of these - right in the comfort of your own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053."

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's
ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family trough the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in
your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc)

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure
every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going
anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your
driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month,
randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only
watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat
shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call
it "world travel."

25. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald, and NOT get
promoted.

26. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your
neighbors have gone to bed.

As a young man in the Navy, I will confess to not being all that careful about who I dated. This one young thang and I connected,and following dinner and a movie, she agreed to a motel. After a very pleasant love-making session I noticed the time. I asked her if her Mother didn't pose questions about where she had been.

She replied, "My Mother doesn't care what I do. it's that damned truant officer who keeps asking a lot of silly questions."

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