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Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:41 PM                        Rated PG A couple wanted to get married in a hurry. The man, a soldier on a 48-hour pass,took his blushing bride to see the vicar. "Impossible," said the vicar."Even a special license would take too long." The would-be bride and bridegroom exchanged a look of misery, then a smile spread across the soldier's face."Well," he suggested brightly, "couldn't you say a few word just to tide us over the weekend?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:46 PM                        Rated G Frank Dedicated to the men and women in our military; The Time Has Come The time has come, and I must leave, please don't cry, and please don't grieve. Across the oceans, I must now go, but for how long, I do not know. In the mountains, and desert sands, across the seas, in far off lands. What enemy awaits, we do not know, but to protect our country, we must go. Here at home, the danger is great, and it gets worse, the more we wait. More of the enemy, is sneaking in, to this terror, we must put an end. As I go, and leave you here, in my heart, I'll hold you near. Give me a smile, as I walk away, to carry with me, through each day. In due time, we'll be together again, to hold each other, but I know not when. I'll love you forever, I want you to know, but for right now, I really must go. ~written by Frank J. Hornsby~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 09:24 PM                        This is a very special posting. This is History in the making. Back to the begining of the United States of America. Now on with our story. Rated PG Baby Blues You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being,like "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" and "Remember the Alamo" and so on? Ever wonder where the saying "You gotta be shittin' me" came from? It so happens I know. Goes way back to that Christmas Eve when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops . They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and snowing furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at thefront of the boat with a lantern.He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving snow,swinging the lantern back and forth.A while later a big gust of wind threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.All of them felt terrible for the corporal had been one of their favorites.Later Washington and his troops landed on the other side,wet and totally exhausted.He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. One of his men reported,"General,I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.General Washington pounded on the door,his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.A huge smile came across her face to see so many men. Washington spoke up,"Ma'am,I'm General George Washington and these are my men.We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while." Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and,and with a broad grin on her face exclaimed,"Well general,you have come to the right place!We can surely give you warmth and comfort.How many men do you have?" Washington said,"Well Ma'am,there are thirty two of us,without Peters." The Madam gasped,"You gotta be shittin' me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G A Letter Home A letter from a Farmer. Dear Ma & Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye Is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail PS Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G Rejected US Army Slogans "Kill All That You Can Kill" "Shower With Men" "Knock Up Foreign Broads" "All The Grits You Can Eat" "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler" "Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters" "Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H" "Cubicles Are For Wusses" "Napalm Means Serious BBQ" "Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!" "Totally Beefcake and Proud of It" "Beat Up Sailors" "We Won''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will" "Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942" "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Accessorize" “Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!" "Play Doom… For Real!" "Sure Beats Lurnin''!" "Because Terminators Are Real"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 03:29 PM                        Rated PG Reward these soldiers for their work A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G ...........Cynthia MacGregor Admiral Little was very excited to be able to command the latest innovation in the Navy-a group of ships that could also maneuver on land.Yes,they could sail across the ocean,put down retractable leg-like apparatuses,and "walk" up the beach and across the land. Alas,they were not entirely silent when they maneuvered across the land,but Adm.Little still had high hopes for their ability to sneak up on the enemy. The time came to try out this new invention in combat conditions,and the admiral was very excited.The ships sailed, landed,and made their way across land to the enemy troop's encampment.But they were done in when the enemy forces were given advance warning of their approach...they heard the pitter-patter of Little's fleet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated R Endowed Army Recruits Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 07:02 PM                        Rated G On our first day of Army basic training, we recruits were herded off buses to the care of screaming drill sergeants. We spent much of the day picking up supplies and doing push-ups. After our five-minute meal, a fellow recruit from Mississippi turned to me. "Gosh," he said, "I wonder how they treat the enemy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:54 PM                        Rated G Linda A new recruit was sitting idly in the barrack room. A passing officer saw him and barked :"You're no longer a civilian. What was your job before you were called up?" "I ran a shop, sir", the recruit replied. "Did you employ people?" "Yes, sir, twenty." "What would you have done if you had caught them doing nothing?" "I would have sacked them immediately",the soldier said hopefully.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated G Speak English A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?" Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became silent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated G Becky While on my desk assignment in the Army,I noticed that my co- worker,Rick, never answered his phone. One day I asked him why. "If you had to pick up the telephone and say, 'Statistical section,Specialist Strasewski speaking,'" Rick replied indignantly, "you wouldn't want to answer it either!" (Reader's Digest, Humor in Uniform)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:19 PM                        Rated G One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea,I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed.After I gave him my order,he asked me how I wanted my eggs.Not wanting to burden him further,I said cheerfully,"Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.  |  IP: Logged

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