|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: The Military
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-12-2003 01:47 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Sue Bee
Indoctrination for Return of Soldiers to U.S.
Shortly after World War II,a humorous "Indoctrination for Return of Army Soldiers to the U.S." was popularly known.Here's our
revised version for current vets returning from the Theatre of
Operations.
TO: All Units
A.In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed
services overseas, it is directed that in order to ensure the high standard of character of the American soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform, all individuals eligible for return to the U.S. will,under current policy, undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarization prior to approval of his/her application for return.
B. The following points will be emphasized in the course's subject matter,specifically for male soldiers:
9)Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to a soldier
on social occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle from the hostess and drain the bottle,cork and all.All individuals are cautioned to exercise extreme caution in these situations.
10)In movie theatres seats are provided.Helmets are not
required.It is considered bad form to whistle and hoot every time a female over eight and under eighty crosses the screen.If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in front, there are plenty other seats that can be occupied.DO NOT hit him across the back of the head and say,"Move your head, jerk, I can't see anything."
11)Upon retiring to sleep,one will often find a pair of pajamas
laid out on the bed.(Pajamas,it should be explained,are two-
piece garments that one puts on after all clothing has been
removed.)The soldier, confronted by these garments, should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to them.A casual remark such as,"My, what a lovely pattern" will usually be adequate.Under NO circumstances say,"How in hell do you expect me to sleep in a getup like that?"
12)Beer is sometimes served in bottles.A cap remover is usually
available,and it is not considered polite to open the bottle by
the use of one's teeth. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-21-2003 06:19 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly,also
retired,in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening
persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,"
the general said. "Nothing to it ...you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock,the ex-orderly
entered the ex-general's bedroom,pulled open the
drapes,gave the general a gentle shake, strode around
the other side of the bed,spanked his employer's wife on
her bottom and said, "O.K.,sweetheart,it's back to the village
for you."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-26-2003 03:28 PM
Rated G Charlie
DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 20-00 hours Halley's Comet
will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years.Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues,
and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 20-00 hours,Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area.If it rains,fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare
phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once
every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 20-00 hours tomorrow
evening.The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater.
In case of rain in the battalion area,the Colonel will give another order,something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 20-00 hours,the Colonel will appear in the theater
with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years.If
it rains,the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion
area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 20-00 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-
old General Halley,accompanied by the Colonel,will drive his
comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-26-2003 03:30 PM
Rated G Captain Silver
The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a
miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies
were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted
it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor. "Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened,I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other,"I'll suffocate."
The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to
the GI for help."What would you do, soldier,if it were a
military problem?"
"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack.
Open the window and freeze one of them,then close it and suffocate the other."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-26-2003 03:35 PM
Rated R Captain Silver
One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches.
"You dumb, censored, son of *****, *****, ****," screamed the
sarge.
A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember,
sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."
The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the
recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of
valuable ammunition?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-12-2003 06:27 AM
Rated X
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist replied, "It's simple. Custer's Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
[ 06-15-2003, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-01-2003 12:46 PM
Rated G
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-03-2003 07:44 AM
Rated PG ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif) Sue Bee
Called up in the draft,Jeff and Joe had no desired to serve in
the army.Thus they had all their teeth pulled,aware that the
military wouldn’t take them if they were toothless.
Showing up for their exam, they were lined up along with a husky
man.
When Jeff stepped up to the doctor, the physician said, “anything wrong with you?”
“Yes sir,” Jeff replied, “I have no teeth.”
Pushing his fingers into Jeff’s mouth, the doctor felt around.
“Right”, he said, “you’re 4F.”
The doctor called over the big guy next. “Anything wrong with you?”
“Yeah,” he said, “I got piles.”
Reaching around, the doctor pushed his fingers into the man’s anus. “You sure do, you’re 4F.”
Joe was summoned. “Anything wrong with you?”
“Not a thing,” Joe replied.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic