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Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 06:28 AM                        Rated XXX Michele A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty- four-hour pass and was beseiged by his buddies who wanted to know,in detail, how he had made out. The soldier,nothing loath,said gleefully,"What a piece of fuckin' luck I had.I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin' broad and was she stacked!We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin' hamburgers.Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got friendly.Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five minutes I had every fuckin' stitch off her." He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?" What happened?!?" And the soldier said, "What do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks? We had sexual intercourse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 06:47 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine These are all actual lines from military performance appraisals. 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 2. A room temperature IQ. 3. Got a full 6-pack,but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 6. As bright as Alaska in December. 7. Gates are down the lights are flashing,but the train isn't coming. 8. He's so dense,light bends around him. 9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 10. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 11. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2004 05:27 AM                        Rated G Michele Useful Military Warnings "Aim towards the Enemy. - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when youleast expect it.That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into anambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running,try to keep up with him." -U.S. Ammo Troop  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 02:03 PM                        Rated G GI Insurance Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center,where he advised new recruits about their government benefits,especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits,and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed,the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance,and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now",he concluded,"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:52 AM                        Rated G B.B. An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." Yumti-Bi laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Heap large -- war party," he says,"maybe three hundred braves,four chiefs, two on black stallions,two on white stallions.All have war paint...many many guns.Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General,"you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "Ugh! Me can see under gate..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 11:25 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded:YES SIR!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 10:49 AM                        Rated G My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii,when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news,but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.After several failed attempts to get us to understand,he sighed and said: "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce,and now I'm Frank Burns." Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 12:23 PM                        Rated G Frank (Hose Nose) in Da Bronx In January 1991, I was being deployed to Operation Desert Storm. Before boarding the C-141 transport at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina, I had to go through tight security. After a meticulous X-ray examination of my carry-on bag, I removed all metal objects from my uniform and was finally able to pass through the detector without setting off the alarm. "Just out of curiosity," I asked the airman operating the checkpoint, "why did you make me go through all that?" "We want to be sure you aren't carrying any weapons on board," he said, handing me back my M-16 rifle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2004 07:53 AM                        Rated G Michele During WWII, I was sent to the U.S. Navy's training and distribution center in Shoemaker, Calif., where we awaited assignment to the South Pacific theater. The sleeping conditions were less than perfect. In fact, the bunks were infested with bedbugs. These little creatures appeared after lights out, and they provoked much cursing and slapping at the blankets. One night, a man who had barely met the military's minimum height and weight requirements cried out, "Put me down!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2004 11:42 PM                        Rated G Roger in Newport Rules for Gunfights US Marine Corps Rules for Gunfights 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. 3. Have a plan. 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4." 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.) 9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. In ten years nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived. 13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating. Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfights 1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 2. Kill every living thing within view. 3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear. 4. Check hair in mirror. US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfights 1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving. 2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing. 4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving. Army Rules For Gunfights 1. Select a new beret to wear 2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder 3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear US Air Force Rules For Gunfights 1. Have a cocktail 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner 3. See what's on HBO 4. Determine "what is a gunfight" 5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation 6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets 8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally 9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines US Navy Rules For Gunfights 1. Go to Sea 2. Drink Coffee 3. Watch porn 4. Send the Marines  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2004 12:31 PM                        Interactive Military http://www.reoutfitters.com/WeSupportU/WeSupportU.htm  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 02:12 PM                        Rated G A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier. At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it." The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 10:51 AM                        Rated G Michele * A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the military's camouflage outfits. Easy -- they patterned it after Army and Marine food. * If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever been in the Marines or the Army. About the worst punishment you could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall. * Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though. One solider fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days. * One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him perfectly. He began to worry that he was deformed. * Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days. With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the award and kiss the solider during the ceremony. * If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask any of them to put on their old Army uniforms. * The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick. A Navy Corpsman said, "Can I get you something ?" The young Marine replied, "How about an island?" * During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:44 AM                        Rated G I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:32 PM                        Rated G One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked glum. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.  |  IP: Logged

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