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Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 02:18 PM                        Rated G Chris After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:42 AM                        Rated G Ethan Private Jones sat moodily over his beer when his friend Sergeant Smith, entered the bar and said, "Hey, Jonesy, I hear you were busted." "Yes" said Jones. "They took away my sergeant's stripes." "How come" "Oh, I met that chicken Lieutenant Gordon, and I gave him a snappy salute." "So" "So while I was saluting, my nose itched, and I scratched it with my thumb."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:57 AM                        Rated G A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but also punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft......Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:17 AM                        Rated G B.B. A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" "And who's gonna tell?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2006 09:07 AM                        Rated G Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said. "Is that in Arabia?" "The Caribbean." She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 02:18 PM                        Rated G Betsy During the Civil War, when General Grant was about to start his drive against the army of General Lee, a woman approached Grant and said, "What are your plans for the campaign General?" Grant said, "Can you keep a secret, madam?" "Oh yes. Absolutely." "Good," said Grant. "So can I."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 02:55 PM                        Rated G Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!" To which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Smiths for a couple hours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 08:18 AM                        Rated G "I often feel like the director of a cemetary. I have a lot of people under me, but nobody listens!" --General John Gavin  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 05:02 PM                        Rated G "Finish Paving" While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen. The guide replied, "One."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:21 PM                        Rated G B.B. It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames".............."Here!" "Jenson"............"Here!" "Jones"............."Here!" "Magersky".........."Here!" "Seeback"..........." -- "Seeback!".........." -- "SEEBACK!!"........." -- At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 10:25 AM                        Rated G During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G Chris The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men." "What is it?" the officer got interested. "Two hundred soldiers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 08:40 AM                        Rated G "It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'" --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:12 AM                        Rated G Andrew General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer: 'I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.' [ 03-09-2006, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 09:31 AM                        Rated G Sally I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly- assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."  |  IP: Logged

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