my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » The Military (Page 12)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  ...  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16

Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:29 AM                        Rated PG The British army announced to boost morale they will offer their female soldiers free breasts implants. The new policy will take effect June 6, or what they're calling it, Double-D Day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2005 12:46 PM                        Rated G Andrew Down at the draft board, they test you with two girls. One a beauty and the other a hag. If you go for the beauty the Army accepts you. If you go for the hag the Army rejects you. If you go for both they send you to the Navy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 06:17 AM                        Rated G "By profession I am a soldier and take pride in that fact. But I am prouder – infinitely prouder – to be a father. A soldier destroys in order to build; the father only builds, never destroys. The one has the potentiality of death; the other embodies creation and life. And while the hordes of death are mighty, the battalions of life are mightier still. It is my hope that my son, when I am gone, will remember me not from the battle field but in the home repeating with him our simple daily prayer, 'Our Father who art in Heaven.'" ~~Douglas MacArthur..1880- 1964~~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 12:12 PM                        Rated G Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet. "How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked. "About a million and a half," said Lincoln. "That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less." "So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:37 PM                        Rated G The instructor in a basic-training course asked a sleepy private, "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?" "Well, sir," the private answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 10:38 AM                        Rated G B.B. While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 02:22 PM                        Rated G George During World War II, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask." "Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England." "I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done." So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news. "Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?" "Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?" "Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before. One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..." "Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England." The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot. "So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct." "Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well." "And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?" "Correct again," replied the Major. "Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape, are you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 10:11 AM                        Rated G THINGS TO REMEMBER DURING A WAR 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation. 8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 9. You are not Tom Cruise. 10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 13. Close only counts in horseshoes,nukes and proximity-fused missiles. 14. Smart bombs have bad days too. 15. The best defense is to stay out of range. 16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 07:15 PM                        Rated G The Final Inspection The soldier stood and faced God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shining, Just as brightly as his brass. "Step forward now, you soldier, How shall I deal with you ? Have you always turned the other cheek ? To My Church have you been true?" The soldier squared his shoulders and said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't. Because those of us who carry guns, Can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was tough. And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a penny, That wasn't mine to keep... Though I worked a lot of overtime, When the bills got just too steep. And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times ! I shook with fear. And sometimes, God, forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place, Among the people here. They never wanted me around, Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand. I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand. There was a silence all around the throne, Where the saints had often trod. As the soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God. "Step forward now, you soldier, You've borne your burdens well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell." If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the Military, please pass this on and pray for men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2005 07:26 AM                        Rated PG When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual,then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory." --Anonymous USAF LTC  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 07:08 AM                        Rated G I was standing to the side while recruits were picking up their gear. I noticed one fellow looking in dismay at the boots he had been issued. He approached our tall, imposing sergeant major and stammered, "S-sir, they issued m-me with two left boots." "Well, son," he replied, "shaking his head, that's obviously how they saw you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 03:17 PM                        Rated G The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:27 AM                        Rated G The last thing I needed to worry about while serving with the UN forces near Croatia was trouble with my wisdom teeth. After a week of agony in my jaw, I went to our camp dental unit. My jaw was examined, X rays were taken, and about ten minutes later the dentist returned and stated: "Five others have seen me with the same symptoms. Stay away from the local bread!" He was right.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:08 PM                        Rated G B.B. A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food - Food will win the war." Beneath someone had written, That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  ...  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.