my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » The Military (Page 6)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  ...  14  15  16

Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 01:08 PM                        Rated G ...............Lorraine At a diplomatic reception,the Mexican general appeared in a magnificent uniform,liberally bespattered with medals and decorations. "That's most impressive,"said the US ambassador."Tell me,general,what did you get all those for?" "In your money,"replied the Mexican general,"about five dollars!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. When the sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool, the nurse said she would rather play with his privates.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 08:27 PM                        Rated G Sign in the Army Recruiting Office: Marry a veteran,girls. He can cook,make beds,sew,is in perfect health; And is already used to taking orders  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:27 PM                        Rated G After about three weeks in basic training in the Army,my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations,and the sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently,at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice.As the sergeant's threat hung in the air,an anonymous voice called out,"How about sending us back four weeks?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated PG THINGS TO REMEMBER DURING A WAR 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation. 8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 9. You are not Tom Cruise. 10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 12. If hit,landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 13. Close only counts in horseshoes,nukes and proximity-fused missiles 14. Smart bombs have bad days too. 15. The best defense is to stay out of range. 16. If you are short on everything but enemy,you are in combat.;D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 09:33 AM                        Rated R A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:50 PM                        Rated G The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated G Bragging about old times Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 07:01 PM                        Rated G What's a Military Family Worth? by Rush Limbaugh, March 11, 2002 I think the vast differences in compensation between the victims of the September 11th casualty, and those who die serving the country in uniform, are profound. No one is really talking about it either because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11th. Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11th attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million. If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable. Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt. Keep in mind that some of the people that are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11th families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well. You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over fifty years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. "Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime."-Adlai E. Stevenson, Jr. Every time when a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low rent housing. However our own US Congress just voted themselves a raise, and many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one term to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month and most are now equal to be millionaires plus. They also do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system. If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receive a pension of $15,000 per month. I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting. When do we finally do something about this?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G Speaking with the general It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 10:06 AM                        Rated G During the last days of the Confederacy, a drunk was stumbling and crawling down the sidewalk, when he bumped into a man. "Sorry", he said, looking up, "say, you look familiar." The gentleman, brushing himself off, replied, "I am Jefferson Davis, the President of the Confederate States of America." The drunk looks him in the face and says, "Well I'll be damned, I thought you looked like a postage stamp."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:25 AM                        Rated G A fort in the Wild West was about to be attacked, so the captain sent for his trusty Indian scout. "Three Bears," he said, "use all your skill to estimate the sort of army we're up against." Three Bears lay down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he said. "Two hundred braves. Two chiefs, one on a black horse, one on a dappled grey mare. All in warpaint with many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaimed the captain. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" "No captain," replied the Indian. "I can see under the gate."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:31 AM                        Rated G KNG in London Some years ago, when my husband was serving in the RAF, a high- ranking officer came to visit the station at Lyneham, Wiltshire. When my husband was introduced to him, the officer commented, "Group Captain Contaris, you must be the only serving officer in the British forces of Greek origin." "No, sir," replied my husband, "there is another. I think he's married to the Queen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 11:52 AM                        Rated G After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 09:07 PM                        [/b]Rated G WWII - Vintage[/b] A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent) "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  ...  14  15  16

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.