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Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 02:40 PM                        Rated PG Michele ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS, can you believe it? "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range,so are you." -Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." -Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 06:22 AM                        Rated PG Michele A group of new recruits had been stationed overseas and were about go out for their first maneuvers.The Base Commander came out with a few words of wisdom for the group before they left. "Men," he said,"there is a deadly snake in these parts that can kill you with just one bite.It has orange and black stripes and usually found with its tail sticking out of the bushes. If you come across a snake just grab it by the tail,pull it out quickly and give it a judo chop on the head." The soldiers agreed and all took off.The maneuvers seemed to go quite well until they came back and took role.One of the soldiers was missing.After hours of searching they finally found the poor guy all mangled up in a bush.He was rushed off to the hospital.After several days the Doctor came up to him and asked him what the hell had happened to him.The soldier rolled over slightly,opened one eye and very quietly said "Doc,have you ever given a tiger a judo chop in the nuts?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G Gloria in Tennessee Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: * His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. * I would not breed from this officer. * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. * This young lady has delusions of adequacy. * This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom;has started to dig. * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to meet them. * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. * Works well under constant supervision when cornered like a rat in a trap. * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G United States Air Force Here's the exercise program that the Air Force is proposing to stay in shape this year.You might want to take it easy at first,then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM. NOW SCROLL DOWN... > >  > >  > >  > >  > >  > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > NOW SCROLL UP... That's enough for the first day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated G Michele While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape andchuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick -- resealed in Seattle."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 10:33 AM                        Rated G Duty, Honor and Commitment The Third Infantry Regiment at Fort Myer has the responsibility for providing ceremonial units and honor guards for state occasions, White House social functions, public celebrations and interments at Arlington National Cemetery....and standing a very formal sentry watch at the Tombs of the Unknowns. The public is familiar with the precision of what is called. "walking post" at the Tombs. There are roped off galleries where visitors can form to observe the troopers and their measured step and almost mechanical silent rifle shoulder changes. They are relieved every hour in a very formal drill that has to be seen to believe. Some people think that when the Cemetery is closed to the public in the evening in the evening that this show stops. First, to the men who who are dedicated to this work...it is no show...it is a "charge of honor".The formality and precision continues uninterrupted all night. During the nighttime, the drill of relief and the measured step of the on duty entrys remain unchanged from the  daylight hours. To these men... these special men, the continuity of this post is the key to the honor and respect shown to these honored dead, symbolic of all American unaccounted for American combat dead. The steady rhythmic step in rain, sleet, snow, hail, hot, cold...bitter cold... uninterrupted...uninterrupted is the important part of the honor shown. Last night, while you were sleeping, the teeth of hurricane Isabel came through this area and tore hell out of everything... We have thousands of trees down...power outages... traffic signals out...roads filled with down limbs and "gear adrift" debris...We have flooding...and the place looks like it has been the impact area of an off shore bombardment. The RegimentalCommander of the U.S. Third Infantry sent word to the nighttime Sentry Detail to secure the post and seek shelter from the high winds, to ensure their personal safety. THEY DISOBEYED THE ORDER... During winds that turned over vehicles and turned debris into projectiles...the measured step continued. One fellow said "I've got buddies getting shot at in Iraq who would kick my butt if word got to them that we let them down...I'm sure as hell have no intention of spending my Army career being known as the goddam idiot who couldn't stand a little light breeze and shirked his duty." ....Then he said something in response to a female reporters question regarding silly purpose less personal risk...."I wouldn't expect you to understand, it's an enlisted man's thing." God Bless the rascal...In a time in our nation's history when spin and total bullshit seems to have become the accepted coin-of-the-realm, there beat hearts...the enlisted hearts we all knew and were so damn proud to be a part of...that fully understand that devotion to duty is not a part time occupation. While we slept, we were represented by some damn fine men who fully understood their post orders and proudly went about their assigned responsibilities unseen, unrecognized and in the finest tradition of the America! An Enlisted Man. Folks, there's hope. From a subvet friend in our nation's capital~   ...More.... On the ABC evening news, it was reported tonight that, because of the dangers from Hurricane Isabel approaching Washington DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unkown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment.  They refused. "No way, Sir!" Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service person.  The tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.  Addition to this: Isaw an interview on Fox News Channel with the Commander of the soldiers who guard the Tomb of the unknown. He took the shift when Isabel was unleashing her fury, cause he did not want to ask any of his men to do this - he felt it was his highest honor to be on duty during that time.  Very, very proud of our persons in uniform!!!!!! I don't usually suggest that e-mails be forwarded, but I'd be DAMN proud if  this one reached as many as possible.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank." "But we's privates," protests Junior. "We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank." "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now." So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?" "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 12:57 PM                        Rated G Michele I was working in the Visitor Control Center at Andersen Air Force Base Guam,when a man in civilian clothes approached a fellow airman and requested a vehicle pass.The airman,fresh out of technical training,asked to see his military ID,driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification,the new airman asked, "No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2003 02:33 PM                        Rated G Ralph in Jacksonville During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging." Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 02:03 PM                        Rated G Michele EMBARRASSING WORLD WAR 2 BLUNDERS: The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937),the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt.Gen. Lesley McNair,killed by the US Army Air Corps...so much for allies. The youngest US serviceman was 12-year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress) At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot.You were either an ace or a target.For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes.He died while a passenger on a cargo plane. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down. YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE... When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act). German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort. A German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army. Following a massive naval bombardment 35, 000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island. (Were they shooting at each other?????)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 06:27 AM                        Rated G The Flag I watched the flag pass by one day, It fluttered in the breeze. A young Marine saluted it, And then he stood at ease. I looked at him in uniform So young, so tall, so proud, With hair cut square and eyes alert He'd stand out in any crowd. I thought how many men like him Had fallen through the years. How many died on foreign soil How many mothers' tears? How many pilots' planes shot down? How many died at sea How many foxholes were soldiers' graves? No, freedom isn't free. I heard the sound of Taps one night, When everything was still, I listened to the bugler play And felt a sudden chill. I wondered just how many times That Taps had meant "Amen," When a flag had draped a coffin. Of a brother or a friend. I thought of all the children, Of the mothers and the wives, Of fathers, sons and husbands With interrupted lives. I thought about a graveyard At the bottom of the sea ! Of unmarked graves in Arlington. No, freedom isn't free. Enjoy Your Freedom ! & God Bless Our Troops Show Your Support Send This Page Along Today  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G Michele A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read: "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the war." Beneath someone had written: That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 09:33 AM                        Rated G Michele ] A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive Army nurse to join him in a game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:45 PM                        Rated G Michele An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?" He thought for a moment; then wrote, "Since 1776."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 03:12 PM                        Rated G Greg Bubba's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% signup for the top GI insurance.This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more than what was already afforded by the government. The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques,but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductee's and stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go into battle and are killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000.If you take out the supplemental GI insurance ( which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month),the government pays your beneficiaries $200,000. "---- NOW" Bubba concluded,"Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"  |  IP: Logged

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