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Author Topic: The Military Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:33 PM                        Rated G During an arctic training exercise in Alaska, intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door opened and a soldier rushed in and announced, "Hey, captain, the Northern Lights are out!" Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 12:06 PM                        Rated G At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 02:21 PM                        Rated G Chris Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. COAST GUARD CHRISTMAS Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state, Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate. Just then from the White House came an urgent call, A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all. In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic, For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic! It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder. Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under. Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care. Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there." When what to his wondering eye should appear; But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear! The officers and crew were so lively and quick; Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick. With a nod from the captain. they went right to work. Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk. Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see, He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G! And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight, "If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2004 05:38 PM                        Rated G For Will Kutler Upon completing Air Force technical school, I had to drive from the Gulf Coast to the Pacific Northwest for my next assignment. A friend suggested I hang my blue dress uniform in the left-rear window to generate good will from the highway patrol. When I was pulled over by a Wyoming state trooper, I was sure that I was off the hook because he told me that he, too, had been in the Air Force. But he handed me a ticket anyway. It read: "Right-rear taillight burned out/License plate not properly illuminated" and, in the remarks section, "Lint on sleeve/Name tag uneven/Collar brass tarnished." He had once been a drill instructor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:41 AM                        Rated G As a soldier approaches a checkpoint in the dark the voice of the sentry suddenly barks, "Halt! Who's there?" "I'm an American," came the reply. "Is that so? Okay, advance and recite the second verse of the 'Star Spangled Banner.'" "It's, uuuuh, something-something, the morning's first gleam, tell you the truth I don't really know it," came the confession finally. "Proceed," said the sentry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:40 PM                        Rated G Michele After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the all-female platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would that be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row..... "My recruiter!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2005 12:27 PM                        Rated G Chris Bragging about old times Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated G "Our sergeant major was of the old school--feared and respected," my ex-army friend told me while reminiscing about his 27 years of service in the Signal Corps.He barked his commands in a clipped,gruff voice,difficult at times to understand. "One afternoon we stood at ease, awaiting the sergeant major's next command.An old mongrel someone had named Tiger sat nearby, his tongue hanging out,panting. Suddenly,for no apparent reason,Tiger gave a short,gruff bark. We all snapped to attention!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:22 AM                        Rated G Roger It was an extremely hot day and the sergeant in charge of bayonet drill at an Army base was trying hard to get his listless men to attack the stuffed dummies with more energy. Finally he halted the drill and said: "Listen, men, those dummies are your enemy. They have burned your houses and killed your parents. They carried away your sisters, stole all your money and drank all of the whiskey in the house." The sergeant then stepped back and motioned the recruits forward toward the row of dummies. The line surged ahead with new purpose. The men with grim looks on their faces showed eagerness to attack. One recruit, his eyes stern and his lips, drawn back over his teeth in a snarl, paused to ask: "Sergeant, which one drank the whiskey?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:23 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At the United States Air Force Academy, many foreign students studied English before they began aircrew training. One day I needed a thesaurus and called the adjutant's office. "Do we have a Roget's Thesaurus?" I asked. "I'm not sure, but I'll call you right back," he replied. After a few minutes, I decided to walk to his office. He looked up with a smile. "I'm sorry I took so long," he said, pointing to the foreign student nominal roles spread over his desk, "but I can confirm we don't have anyone by that name in the school."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2005 02:07 PM                        Rated G Captain: Private, there's a squad of enemy soldiers hiding in that stand of trees. I want you to go in there and flush them out. Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out of the woods, don't shoot the one in front!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:38 PM                        Rated G At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass. The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?" "No," the man replied, leaning over the counter... "Try Brigadier General."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:19 PM                        Rated G To promote recycling, five large dumpsters by the mess tent had signs stating what type of garbage was to be placed in each. It took several days and many reminders,but eventually the soldiers were complying. One day as the regiment lined up for the noon meal,a civilian garbage truck arrived.In full view of the soldiers,the contents of all five containers were dumped in the one truck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:46 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Two Iraqi spies met in a bar in downtown Los Angeles. One started to greet the other in Arabic, their native language. The second one waved him off contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish."  |  IP: Logged

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