Kentucky hillbilly, Herman James was drafted into the Army.

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Military people sayYou, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.- the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

Friendly fire - isn't.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

Push to test... Release to detonate.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer- U.S. Navy Seabees

The easy way is always mined.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.

Tracers work both ways.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation."Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

I have often wondered about the origins of this age old tradition - - Now you'll know.

We've all seen those brave Navy and Marine Corps aviators as they begin to taxi out for takeoff. They always look at their fist to see if their thumb is sticking straight up.

The crewchief on the ground agrees and mimics the pilot's action, confirming that yes, the thumb IS sticking straight up. He then salutes and the pilot continues his taxi out.

A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and told him he would have to wash his own privates.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With
a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the fricking captain is aboard before getting under way."

During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.

A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable.

The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something, at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?"

The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table.

Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator then told him the story.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan.

When they landed a man approached them and said, "Boys to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to
pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.

Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone.

When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in. He said, "Boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can
shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with eachgirl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge."

The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs.

The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jar head snatches her up and goes upstairs.

The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the ugly one.To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all.

The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but
the fly boy says, "No thank you sir, you'vedone enough already," and left.

The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves.

The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'thank you.'

After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing is hands together greedily he says, "OK girls, how did we do?"

The girl with the airman says, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer and gave me $200!"

The girl with the marine says, "He screwed me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."

Shortly after being assigned a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge.

The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the "facilities", but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely and said.

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"

Military Sayings Involving The F Word

figmo - fuck it, got my orders

fubab - fucked up beyond all belief

fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair

fumtu - fucked up more than usual

snafu - situation normal, all fucked up

tarfu - things are really fucked up

janfu - joint army-navy fuckup.

gfu - general fuck-up

samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up

sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups

susfu - situation unchanged, still f*cked-up

WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money

RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good. Private Peters will besetting the pace on our morning run.

'With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

North Dakota farm boy, Ole Olson was drafted by the Army.

The first day, as an enlisted man, he was given a comb.

The following day, the Army barber sheared all the hair off his head.

On the third day the Army gave him a toothbrush.

The next day, the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day, he was given a jock strap.