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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2008 09:57 AM                        Rated G New Stock Market Terms for 2009 arising out of Alan Greenspan's testimony yesterday: CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets nothing. Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. Broker -- What my broker has made me. Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell. Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use. As in "false prophet".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2008 10:07 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Most businesses like that our credit card machines automatically print "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom of receipts. Though one guy called to ask if I could take it off. "Sure," I said. "But do you mind my asking why?" "It just seems inappropriate," he answered. "We're a funeral home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2008 01:28 PM                        Rated G Marty That's a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. "I get two weeks' paid vacation." I'm so glad," said my mother. "Yeah" added John. "I can't wait to find out where they send me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2008 11:23 AM                        Rated G Bob & Faye in Kingston Letter to Bank Dear Sirs, In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly... If one of my checks is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 11:15 AM                        Rated G Elaine Rated G Elaine When you've got a long list of things to buy at a department store, you tend to tune out announcements like. "All cashiers to the front register" or "Associate, pick up line three." But one did catch my attention: "Customer service needed in men's boxers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2009 08:41 AM                        Rated G Jokester The Economy is so Bad... CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?" Motel Six won’t leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2009 08:15 AM                        Rated G Heartless Things to Say in the Ladies Dressing Room That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man... I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples... Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the 'plain, severe and drab' look in this season? Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it? Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots Excuse me, but since you're obviously color blind would you like any help? Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that? God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself? I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you...[eek]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2009 03:38 PM                        Rated G Jokester Deodorant A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2009 11:12 AM                        Rated G Bob HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 4. Then analyze the situation: a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering . d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping , put them in Security. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. h. If they are sitting idle , put them in Human Resources . i. If they say they have tried different combinations , they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved , put them in Administration. j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management . Finally , if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, then put them in Government ..  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 07-04-2015 08:20 PM                 It has been 2250 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 07-04-2015 08:20 PM                        A man drove up to a farm, in a sharp suit and a gleaming new BMW. He introduced himself to the farmer, and asked whether, if he could tell the farmer precisely how many sheep were grazing in his field, he could have one of the sheep. The farmer, believing the visitor to be a madman, but nevertheless deciding to humor him, agreed. The man returned to his car and pulled out his laptop. On it he downloaded satellite imagery and GPS data of the field, ran it through analysis software, and, a few moments later, informed the farmer that there were 1,376 sheep in the field. "That's amazing," said the farmer. "However did you figure that out?". The farmer honored his word, and invited the visitor to choose any one of the sheep he wanted. The visitor spent quite a while looking around the field and choosing his sheep, and eventually settled on one. However, just before he was about to leave, the farmer proposed another bet. "If I can guess your occupation," he said, "can I have my sheep back?". The visitor duly agreed, whereupon the farmer told him, correctly, that he was a management consultant. "How on earth did you guess that?," the visitor asked. "For three reasons," replied the farmer. "1 - You showed up at my place of business uninvited. 2 - You tried to make me pay for information I already knew. And 3 - you clearly don't know the first thing about my business. Now, may I have my dog back, please?"  |  IP: Logged

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