Subject:  Fwd: Bad day at the office??

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.

The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.

"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.

Rated G :P

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

A lady went into a store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a blender for refund because it didn't work.

The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bough tit on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my tits! Grab my tits!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the broken blender for refund.

He told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the blender on special.

Once again she screams: "Grab my tits! Ohhh, grab my tits!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

A lady goes in to a store and askes for a half a head of lettuce. The clerk says, "We don't sell half heads of lettuce." She gets mad, and says, "Get me someone who will, you idiot." The clerk goes to get the manager; he does not notice the lady following him.

The clerks tells the manager, "A stupid bitch want to buy a half a head of lettuce..." Just then he notices the lady and continues, "... and this lady would like to buy the other half.

A variation of the same joke;

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.

They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketingmanager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks andI 'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing whatI' say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, LegalAffairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.

Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.

The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.

Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.

"This is your secret?" says the first guy.

"Try some dip," says the third.

They both take a little bit o' dip. "Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!"

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

HAIRCUTS Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon,sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.

Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.

Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.

The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?""Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely.""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely.""And what were the first words you saw?"

MAHWAH, NJ - UPS ANNOUNCES SHIPPING METHOD REVAMP In a press conference today, James Kelly, Chairman and CEO of United Parcel Service (NYSE:UPS) announced a restructuring of their shipping methods.

New Interviewing Technique

Take the two prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instructions.

At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they are waving their arms around and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is good for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price you got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Puplic Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

Stock Market Terms:

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - What my broker has made me.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - What happens the day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo - What someone yelled after selling it to you for $240 per share

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.