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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:15 AM                        Rated G Michele Kodak announced that it will cut 12,000 to 14,000 jobs worldwide..." Employees will receive a special "Kodak Moment" photo taken as they're handed the pink slip.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 11:29 AM                        Rated G My son is a service technician for an exterminating company. And one of the rules is that he must confirm his appointments by phone the night before a service call. One evening, he called a customer and said to the man who answered,"Hi. This is John from the pest-control company. Your wife phoned us." There was silence for a moment,and then my husband heard the man say,"Honey,someone wants to speak to you about your relatives."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 02:54 PM                        Rated G This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?" The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" The man snaps, "Exactly!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 03:33 PM                        Rated G Michele Leroy goes down to the barber shop - Gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times - Leroy says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?" Barber replies, "Well yes sir I do. Would you prefer shaving yourself?" Leroy said, "Well not exactly - but I thought I might need to defend myself!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 07:49 AM                        Rated G Michele Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then. "All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name." She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't need to change the name."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 08:21 AM                        Rated PG When I was CEO of a company, I always kept the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer of the file cabinet directly opposite my desk. When a woman got one out,I usually got a great view of her butt.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 12:27 PM                        Rated G Michele Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers.Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.(Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.It should be used only for company business.(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. This project is so important,we can't let things that are moreimportant interfere with it.(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.Now,go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections.She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.The disk I gave her was write- protected.(CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."(Microsoft,LegalAffairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why,I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -and the word"pedagogical" circled in red.The HR manager was fairly reasonable,and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.He would take care of it.Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later,I resigned.In accordance with company policy,I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 01:28 PM                        Rated G Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today.I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma." Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?" Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:53 PM                        Rated G Michele A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said. "What on earth for?" his wife asked. "It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 03:06 PM                        Rated G One of the workers on my construction crew didn't show up for work on Monday,and he didn't phone to explain his absence. On Tuesday morning, though, he did call."I won't be able to make it to work today," he said, "or yesterday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2004 08:20 AM                        Rated PG JerseyT The top 15 reasons for being fired from Toys 'R' Us 15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display. 11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." 3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. 2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 12:21 PM                        Rated G Michele It was Bill's first day at the gas station, and he watched a co- worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" Bill joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" Bill asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," his co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2004 11:17 AM                        Rated G Schools across the country are now experimenting with serving prune burgers -- hamburgers made with prunes. In fact,if that works, they're thinking of opening a chain of prune burger restaurants. I believe they're calling them Windy's.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-12-2004 04:58 PM                        Rated G A Short Dictionary of Construction Terminology: (Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.) Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins. Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out. Engineer's Estimate – The cost of construction in heaven. Project Manager – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. Critical Path Method – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney—usually applied at random with a shotgun. Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. Delayed Payment – A tourniquet applied at the pockets. Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin. Liquidated Damages – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded. Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2004 12:43 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A travel agent said to his customer, "I can get you three days and two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks." "How come so cheap?" replied the customer. The travel agent told him, "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The nights are July 21 and 22."  |  IP: Logged

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