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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2004 06:45 AM                        Rated G In a department store, a difficult customer and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally,the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?" "No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and disappeared."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:24 AM                        Rated G My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.I asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" he asked."The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" "What's that got to do with it?" I asked. "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2004 01:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine While working for a mining company,we sent a small field party to the mountains in the Yukon. One summer student climbed over a ridge and was startled to find herself face to face with a young brown bear. To her relief there was one small tree nearby,to which she furiously ran. On the way a brown blur passed her,and when she got to the base of the tree,she found the terrified bear safely perched at the top.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2004 10:34 AM                        Rated G Frank in CT At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we were also in need of more aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I left the factory and drove to the nearest store where I loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm sure glad that's your baby and not mine!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2004 11:00 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work 16> Thinking outside the cube 15> De-nosing the grindstone 14> Training for a career in management 13> Not working 12> Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere 11> Conserving the midnight oil 10> Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images 9> Consulting 8> Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus 7> Defragging the brain drive 6> Reaping the rewards of superior delegation 5> In conference with the Olsen twins 4> Visiting Crawford 3> Letting opportunity open its own damn door 2> Zero-tasking 1> Enabling real-time back-end utilization  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-21-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated G On my first day at the gas station, I watched a co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 01:34 PM                        Rated G Phil on Long Island Whenever somebody at work comments on something outrageous, tactless, or distasteful I have done, my usual reply is, "If you think that's bad, just try being married to me." While usually taken as cute and slightly self-effacing, it isn't. It's bedrock truth. Take an example from last evening: Ellen and I go out to one of our local eateries for a good meal and conversation. The subject of planning our fall activities comes up. As it stands, I have an excess of vacation and she has a deficit. I've talked about taking a solo trip somewhere for a week of pure photography. Perhaps a swing through the Midwest, or a jaunt up to Canada, or a combination of the two. This weekend a new wrinkle arrived when some friends of ours offered up space in a house they are renting in Hawaii this fall. Me: "I'm halfway thinking about taking Dave and Linda up on their offer." Ellen: "By yourself? You'd go to Hawaii without me?" Me: "Well, I've got the vacation and you really don't." Ellen: "What about our anniversary trip in September?" Me: "I'm still up for that. Actually I suppose we could go to Hawaii together and call that our trip." Ellen: "Hmm." Me: "Except..." Ellen: "Except what?" Me: "Well I'd feel really guilty about boarding the cats for that in October when we know we're going to do it in November for Thanksgiving and in December for Christmas." Ellen: "That's true..." Me: "Plus, I'm not sure how much more time we have left with ZsaZsa. I hate the idea of her spending most of it with strangers." Ellen: "Yeah..." Me: "As a matter of fact, I've been thinking that leaving town for our anniversary in September is probably not such a good idea for the same reason." Ellen: "You're right. We should just do something closer to home." Me: "Good." Ellen: "Good." ... silence for a breath or two ... Me: "So, I can go to Hawaii, right?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-27-2004 11:13 AM                        Rated PG A lady waled into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have any Viagra?" "Yes", he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Absolutely", he replied. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two", he answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-27-2004 11:21 AM                        Rated G Boss: (Too Employee} Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2004 10:10 AM                        Rated G A furniture company sent this letter about an outstanding account: "Dear Mr. Jones, What would your neighbors think if we had to send a truck out to your house to repossess your furniture because you have not met your payments?" The company received this reply: "Dear Sir, I have discussed the matter you wrote about with my neighbors to see what they would think. They all think it would be a mean, lowdown, dirty trick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My cousin once had a job in which he dressed as a polar bear to promote soft drinks at shopping malls. One day a man strolled past him and asked, "Don't you feel stupid dressed up in that thing?" "I should feel stupid?" answered my cousin. "You're the one talking to a bear.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:51 AM                        Rated G lorraine While employed at a card-and-gift shop, I received a call from a young woman who had ordered wedding invitations just two weeks before. She wanted to know if it was too late to make a few changes on them. I told her to give me the new information and I would check with the printer."Okay," she said."It's a different date,a different church and a different guy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine It was almost closing time at the autobody repair shop, where I work as a secretary, when an elderly woman came in with a small electric food-mixer. "May I help you?" I offered, expecting her to ask if one of our men could fix her appliance. "I was wondering if I could use your electricity for a few moments," she replied. "We're camped across the street in the city park, but we don't have electrical hookups. Today is my husband's birthday, and I want to bake him a cake." Producing a bowl and cake mix she said, "If you don't mind, I'd like to mix it here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:56 AM                        Rated G Our business practice is to send letters in duplicate, requesting the recipient to acknowledge receipt by signing and returning one copy. Once we sent our office-rental check attached to the usual duplicated letter but, due to a typographical error, asked our landlord to acknowledge it by "singing and returning" a copy of the letter. The duplicate was duly returned with the following acknowledgment: "TRALA-LA-LA-LA!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My sister's work consists of conducting opinion polls and she obtains information by telephone.If the person who answers the phone refuses to answer the questions, she asks if the spouse would be agreeable to do so. One woman who answered said, "I'm sorry. I don't have time. I'm in the middle of stuffing a chicken." My sister asked, "Well, can your husband do it?" "Oh, no," replied the woman. "He doesn't know anything about chickens."  |  IP: Logged

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