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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2008 08:12 AM                        Rated G Judy When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked. “No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 08:54 AM                        Rated G Mensa Convention Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..." "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 02:44 PM                        Rated G the little woman Statistics show that American workers work the first three hours of every day just to pay their taxes. That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning. In the morning, we're government workers!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 02:58 PM                        Rated G the little woman You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......" You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 03:00 PM                        Rated G the little woman A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 01:41 PM                        Rated G Betsy Lunching at a Chinese restaurant, my friend noticed his table had been set with forks but not chopsticks. "Chopsticks are provided on request," the waiter told him. My friend had a better idea. "If you handed them out, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash the forks." "True," came the response. "But then we'd have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 01:52 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the lawyers traded sandwiches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:26 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Tim had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tim went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tim slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 03:18 PM                        Rated G Prescription A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:11 AM                        Rated G Ken Just as my husband pulled his delivery van away from the flower shop, the manager ran out. There was a cancellation on one of the orders, so he needed it back. "Which one?" my husband asked. "The one that reads "Susan, I'll love you forever. Bob."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2008 09:46 AM                        Rated G Jokester Business Quotes: Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost) A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks) Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle) The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum) Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away! I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson) Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time! Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2008 09:20 AM                        Rated G Jokester Instead of Astrological Signs, how about : What's Your Business Sign? 1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title) 9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2008 08:23 AM                        Rated PG-13 Jokester Dear Treasured Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us! The Management  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2008 11:21 AM                        Rated PG-13 Ed in Aurora, Ont. A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist. 'Six pence,' says the pharmacist. 'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist. The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-20-2008 07:07 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A few weeks after a young woman had been employed, she was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held." "True", the young woman answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."  |  IP: Logged

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