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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-13-2007 08:07 PM                        Rated G Jeri in Lyme A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss,now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......"ME."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2007 01:37 PM                        Rated G Drew I think the reason for calling it take home pay is that home is the only place we can afford to go with it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2007 12:32 PM                        Rated G The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 12:42 PM                        Rated G Lorraine THINGS YOU MAY HEAR JUST BEFORE UNEMPLOYMENT I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try! We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you. It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place. Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired! I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again. Tell me...how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-09-2007 06:25 PM                        Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT. Mujibar was trying to get a job in India The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 12:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. We were driving the other day and passed a business that was obviously having troubles beyond money. Their outdoor sign in front of the building read: $T0P $T3AL1NG 0UR L3TT3R$!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:56 PM                        Rated G George After being promoted to export manager, I had to make a business trip to the Caribbean. I sent a memo to my boss to sell him on going via cruise ship. "This is the most efficient means of travel and takes care of meals and lodging as well as transportation." The memo came back marked: "NO SAIL."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2007 09:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present. Jefferson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store. When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny. "They transferred my call," Jefferson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2007 09:10 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The accountant told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news." "Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously. "The bad news is that your business is flat on it's back." The business person asked hopefully, "then what's the good news?" "It's looking up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2007 04:26 PM                        Rated R Christmas Party FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2007 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2007 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2007 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2007 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All DAMN Employees DATE: October 05, 2007 RE: The DAMN Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2007 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 08:09 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man phoned a retail pharmacy to talk about his prescription. He said to the pharmacist, "My doctor ordered this prescription for me. Your store filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. This little packet came out of the bottle while I was getting my capsule once. The packet said, "do not eat" on it. That was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2008 08:31 PM                        Rated XXX Ed in Aurora, Ont. A young man goes into the Job Center in Edmonton , Alberta and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk. The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Merritt , British Columbia . That's about 160 kilometers from here.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's at?' 'No sir - that's the end of the lineup!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2008 04:49 PM                        Rated G Gerry Executive overheard talking to a friend: "My wife tells me I don't display enough passion. Imagine! I have a good mind to send her a memo."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2008 08:08 PM                        Rated G Marty A young man visited his local welfare office and was asked to give his surname, all other details would be on computer. The assistant typed in his name, then read from the screen: You are James Herbert Roberts of Oldfield Lane, London, age 22; single; unemployed for one year; now working as a plumber for Jones & Co. It's all here, every last detail. Now, what is your query? "Well" said the young man, "it's about the widow's pension you keep sending me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 02:25 PM                        Rated G Diana When Luanne brought her ten-year-old daughter Mikki to the office one afternoon, a co-worker complimented the pretty girl, saying, "You have gorgeous brown hair, just like your mother's." Mikki replied, "Not really. Mine is real. Mom's is l'Oreal's."  |  IP: Logged

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