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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2007 09:20 PM                        Rated G A Modern Parable A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India. The End  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 08:24 AM                        Rated G Lorraine During a cold snap, when everyone was complaining about the low temperature in the office, I noticed one of my co-workers was industriously folding letters and stuffing envelopes while wearing a pair of gloves. I sympathized with her on just how cold her hands must be. "Oh, my hands aren't cold," she replied. "I'm mailing out copies of a chain letter, and I don't want to leave my fingerprints on them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2007 10:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine During lunch hour at the dry-cleaning plant where I worked, Stacey was left by herself while the rest of us were on our break. She was busy in the back filling the wash drum with a load of clothes, when she thought she heard the bell at the front desk. She told me later she decided to finish what she was doing before answering. The bell tinkled once more before she walked to the front desk and greeted the customer with a bright smile. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting," she apologized, "but I didn't hear you the first time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2007 08:07 PM                        Rated G Miss Martha The Perfect Worker 1 Bob Smith, my co-worker, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2007 09:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The oil magnate John Gates once placed an $11,000 bet with the wealthy John Drake (whose family had founded Drake University) that his bread, dunked in coffee, would attract more flies than Drake's. Gates won. It later emerged that he had added six spoonfuls of sugar to his coffee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2007 07:53 AM                        Rated G B.B. A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and became lost. After a search of the rambling first floor to find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor. "Excuse me, can you tell me how do I get outside?" he asked. "Dial 9," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2007 07:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. Joe, John and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe. Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight. "John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing." "He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place and posting jokes on [url= http://www.film-tech.com!"]www.film-tech.com!"[/url]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2007 11:09 AM                        Rated G Becky The secret to any successful business is a winning sales pitch. For example: No one puts as much of themselves into their jobs as the stars of a local bait shop: "Our bait catches fish or dies trying." This ad for musicians claims to do it all: "Babpipes: For your wedding,wake or border dispute." The portable toilet industry is booming.The reason,one company insists,on a sign advertising its wares is simple: "Every Party Needs A Pooper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2007 03:06 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband, who has credit cards, told me that they were useful as identification when paying for merchandise by check. Because I didn't have one, he said, most places, including his favorite hardware store, would not accept my check. Betting that they would, I headed for the hardware store. When I presented my check to the cashier, I told her I didn't have a credit card. "Oh, that's okay," she smiled, looking at the names on my check, "your husband writes checks here all the time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2007 07:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband, Brad, and a new employee he had hired for his construction business stopped at a hardware store to buy a sledgehammer. Brad was aghast at its price. "Well, you know," his helper observed, "you're paying for the technology."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2007 10:59 AM                        Rated G A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2007 03:52 PM                        Rated G B.B. Job Interviewer: "What were you three strongest subjects in college?" Applicant: "Italian, German, and trigonometry." Job Interviewer: "Let me hear you say 'good day' in Italian." Applicant: "Buon giorno." Job Interviwer: "And in German...?" Applicant: "Guten tag." Job Interviewer: "And in trigonometry...?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2007 09:26 AM                        Rated G the little woman Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal- Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2007 09:08 AM                        Rated G A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2007 09:07 AM                        Rated R Tony in Old Lyme, CT. Why it's important to understand Chinglish: I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange,so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated . . . He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations. The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too".  |  IP: Logged

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