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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 02:50 PM                        Rated G Gerry I called a plumber and he arrived two hours later than I expected. He apologized and said, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my chauffeur phoned in sick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 03:19 PM                        Rated G A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 10:29 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 03:20 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The banker fell overboard while taking a cruise on a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, and not knowing if the banker could swim, shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Of course!" the banker yelled back, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 06:54 AM                        Rated G Gerry Post office employee to boss: "Sir, may I present Joe Johnson. He's retiring from the post office after thirty years." Boss: "Well, Johnson, what have you learned after thirty years with us?" Johnson: "Don't mail my check."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 08:23 AM                        Rated G Lulu "This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 08:25 AM                        Rated G B.B. It takes two things to be a consultant - gray hair and hemorrhoids. The gray hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G Nike A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated G Gerry The salesman claimed, "This encyclopedia will tell you just about everything you need to know." "I don't need one," replied the man of the house. "I'm married and have three teenage daughters!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:23 AM                        Rated G "A leak in the Alaskan Pipeline last week spilled 265,000 gallons of crude oil into the artic tundra. British petroleum, the company that runs The oil operation, said that the spill was too small to be detected by their maintenance equipment. But just large enough to rise the price of gas fifteen cents a gallon this week." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:28 AM                        Rated G "Obviously, we'll see advances in technology. TiVo, iPods, streaming video - the way we watch TV is changing dramatically. It's on our phones, in our cars - even projected on specialized eyeglasses. But don't listen to the talk about having shows beamed directly into your brain. That's science-fiction nonsense. Shows will be stored in the pancreas and will enter the brain through the bloodstream after being downloaded into your iHole." -- Joss Whedon, creator of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Firefly," on the future of television.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:10 AM                        Rated G Betsy A woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes. She went into a men's clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful, something wild in a men's pair of slacks." "Oh," sighed the salesgirl. "Aren't we all?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G Ken Every day the secretary was twenty minutes late. Then one day she slid snugly into place only five minutes tardy. "Well," said her boss, "this is the earliest you've ever been late."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:33 AM                        Rated G Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:56 PM                        Rated G "I ain't saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me."  |  IP: Logged

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