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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 03:40 PM                        Rated G Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars hair cuts.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 01:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I was working as a senior secretary at a small accounting firm when one day my boss realized that a costly mistake had been made on a client's financial statement. It had already been mailed out, and my boss was expecting the client to call in an uproar as soon as the mistake was discovered. He was in a quandary as to how to explain the error. Although it was his fault, I magnanimously told him: "Well, why don't you blame it on me? That way the client won't be as upset with you." "No, that:D won't work," he said. "That's what I always tell them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 02:00 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti I drove a school bus, and one day a cute but demanding four-year old kept saying to the bus aide, "Pick up my backpack!" I told him that wasn't a polite way to talk and said, "Don't you know the magic word to ask for something?" He piped right up: "Yeah! Abracadabra!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 02:01 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti My friend took her automobile in to the shop to see what was wrong. Upon checking back with the mechanic he said, "We're narrowed it down to something expensive."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:10 AM                        Rated G Gerry The boss did not find it amusing when one of this employees said, "I always take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 04:13 PM                        Rated G While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North? When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". .  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 04:15 PM                        Rated G I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 04:17 PM                        Rated G A colleague and I were eating lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." She also votes!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 08:05 AM                        Rated G We were sitting out back when the gas man, obviously annoyed, arrived to check our meter. We asked him what was wrong, and he told us that the previous day he had gone to a neighbor's house to read the meter. Since no one was home, he had let himself into their backyard. As he stepped through the gate, a large, vicious- looking Rottweiler had chased him off. He left a note in their mailbox saying he'd return the next day and asking the owners to tie the dog up. And they had--to the gas meter!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:40 AM                        Rated G Bruce Where God Wants Me One day I happened to call a man on business whom I will probably never talk to again, but this day God wanted me to talk to him. He was head of security at a company that had invited the remaining members of a company who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share their office space. With his voice full of awe, he told me stories of why these people were alive and their counterparts were dead. All the stories were just little things. You might know about the head of the company who got in late that day because his son started kindergarten. Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts. The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning. He took the various means to get to work, but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive. So, Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone... all the little things that annoy me... I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment. May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 10:50 AM                        Rated G SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY:Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS:All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK:Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none. DRESS CODE:It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -- Management  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 01:12 PM                        Rated G Mr Thomas, the vice-president of sales, was having lunch in the executive dining room with another v-p. "I swear," Mr Thomas said, "my assistant is so absentminded it's a wonder he sells as many computers as he does. I asked him to bring me a newspaper on the way back from lunch and I'll bet he forgets." Just then the assistant ran into the v-p's office. "Mr Thomas, guess what!" he hooted. "While I was eating, Mr. Grayzel of Grayzel Publishing sat down next to me. Started talking about how he needs a new computer system. By the time we finished eating, he agreed to buy a quarter-million-dollar system from us!" The v-p turns to his colleague. "What did I tell you? He forgot the newspaper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:14 AM                        Rated G Lulu My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?" "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:22 AM                        Rated G Gerry My accountant started my day off badly by calling me. "I'm leaving the firm to go to work for the government." I asked, "What are you going to do?!" He answered, "I'll be making license plates."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:45 AM                        Rated G Gerry Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. The retailer on the right put up a sign announcing, "Super Bargains!" The store on the left raised a bigger sign declaring,"Fantastic Discounts!" The owner in the middle erected a sign stating, "Entrance"  |  IP: Logged

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