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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:54 PM                        Rated G Bruce Three rednecks were working on the Cingular cell phone tower - Steve, Bubba and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it." An hour later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' " She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 07:55 AM                        Rated G Betsy A woman entered the bank and said, "I'd like to open a joint account. A checking account for me and a deposit account for my husband."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 07:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. My best friend is very particular about what she gives her 3-year- old daughter to eat and drink, so I was somewhat stunned the other day when I saw she had bought two industrial-sized jugs of Paul Newman's grape juice. I picked it up to look at the sugar content and yelled to her in the other room, "Did you buy this grape juice?" She simply replied, "Yes," not realizing how surprised I was. I questioned further, "From concentrate?" From behind me her 3-year-old corrected, "No, from Costco."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 02:49 PM                        Rated G Bruce A Jewish kid informs his father that he's decided to join the army rather than go into business. His father inquires, "What kind of job could you have in the army?" The young man replies, "Well, I start out as a private, but I could get to corporal or sergeant." "Corporal...sergeant...." the father says, "that's no business." "I could become a lieutenant or maybe captain," the young man responded. "Lieutenant...captain....that's no business!" father said. "OK dad", he replied. "How about getting promoted to major, or colonel, or general?" "Still no business," the father insisted. "Where could you go after general?" The son answered, "I could become field marshal." The old man says, "Field marshal... that's no business. Marshall Fields, now that's a business."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 09:14 PM                        Rated G Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady standing beside her. "Grandma is paying for it," she smiled.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 09:24 PM                        Rated G Two cab drivers met and one asked the other, "Hey, why do you have one side of your cab painted red and the other side blue?" The other driver said, "When I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 09:32 PM                        Rated PG A guy walks into the local welfare office for his check, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 03:01 PM                        Rated G On a bookstore display shelf, my five-year-old daughter spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said. Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States." "I know he was important," she agreed. "How did you know that?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 09:59 AM                        Rated R Chet in Chicago Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 09:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. I used to frequent a buffet restaurant, one where you even get your own drinks, but they still want to get tipped. At the exit there was a box bolted to the wall with a sign on it that said "tip box." I tried to, but it was too firmly bolted to tip it. -- Barry Austern  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:15 AM                        Rated G Betsy A man walked into the barber's and said, "I'd like to have my hair cut like Tom Cruises's." The barber started clipping away like crazy. "Are you sure you know what Tom Cruise looks like?" asked the customer. "Of course I do!" snapped the barber. "I saw him twice in The King and I."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 02:38 PM                        Rated G Gerry The boss returned from the suggestion box, shaking his head. "Why can't they be more specific? Which lake? What kind of kite?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 02:49 PM                        Rated G "Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 03:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My brother Josh was driving while Mom gave him directions to her customer's house, where they were to install venetian blinds. Having been to the woman's house only once before, Mom was unsure when they approached an intersection. "I believe you turn at the next corner," she said. But as they went through it, she realized they should have turned. "Wait! This is the corner!" Josh stopped, backed up and turned. Just after they passed the first corner, Mom said: "Stop! I think you turn here." Josh stopped, backed up and turned. A short distance down the street, Mom said: "Wait! We just passed their driveway." Josh stopped, backed up and turned into the driveway. The customer's brother had been watching them through the window. "Who's that?" he asked his sister. "Oh, that's my blind lady," she replied. "Well, that explains it!" he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:15 PM                        Rated G B.B. A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman. "Of course", says the barman. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a root beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector."  |  IP: Logged

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