A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Me Want A Loan

The old native American who wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that 

would cover the cost of the loan. 

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, 

"How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.

When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

JOB INTERVIEW 

John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews.   

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. At the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"  

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time.

She was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"  "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John got upset and tossed her out.

The third and final interview was the best of the bunch.

He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together.

John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found.

A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed. They investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that
Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So the American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment.

Banana Cake Mix

Ingredients:
-----------------
2 x Laughing Eyes
2 x Well-shaped Legs
2 x Loving Arms
2 x Firm Milk Containers
2 x Nuts
Fur-lined mixing bowl
Firm Banana

Method:
------------
1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs slowly.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.

4. Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.

5. Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to knead milk containers.

6. As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief. Leave to soak (preferably not overnight).

7. The cake is cooked when the banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl.

8. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully after use.

Please Note:

A man walks up to Michelle in the office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

Michelle immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

A guy was on a business trip staying in this fancy hotel.

When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages.

About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business which he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year.

All of his crops had been lost.

Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer.

So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

A young Southern peasant girl of 15 went to work in a broom factory. After 3 months she gave the boss a 2-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was a good worker.

Upon calling her into his office: "But why?" he asked.

"Oh nothin, I just wanna quit." she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a $3.00 raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know ..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you ..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha, ha ... my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too ..."

On July 26, 2000, two friends, Jim and John, each received a $1000 bonus at work. (They both work for Nortel Networks, where in the summer of 2000, there was LOTS of money around for bonuses).

Jim, being an intelligent, financially conscientious person, put the whole $1000 into Nortel Networks stock. With his $1000, and the transaction cost of $35, he was able to purchase 7 shares at $123 each. Having watched the Nortel stock climb and climb, he felt very good about this investment, happy that he is preparing for the future.

John, being a more care-free sort, did something slightly different with his $1000. John borrowed a friend's truck, and proceeded to the Beer Store, where he purchased 33 cases of beer. John also felt very good about his investment: 33 cases x 24 = is 792 bottles of beer! John, also being an intelligent guy, although perhaps not as forward-thinking as Jim, calculated that he could drink about 15 bottles per week, and he wouldn't have to buy beer for a whole year. Jim, of course, was appalled by John's purchase, and berated him constantly about it. As months went by, Jim excitedly watched the stock prices, and saw it start to dwindle. "It'll go back up", he'd say to Jim. Jim, who has been reaping the benefits of his investment on a daily basis, would reply, "Ya, it will. Hang in there buddy "burp".

Months went by, and the value of the stock continued to fall, and there was the beginnings of a noticeable dent in the beer pile. Midwinter came, Jim's stock had fallen to about half of it's original value, and John's beer was about half gone. Jim, being sure that the stock had hit rock-bottom, still was berating John for his frivolous purchase, telling him "Your beer will be gone in six months! Who knows what my stock will be worth!!". Well, summer has come, and hard times at Nortel continue. Bad news: Both John and Jim have been affected by the layoffs. Last week, in order to raise some cash to help through the rough time, Jim sold his 7 shares, at that day's value of $12, and got $84, then after paying the $35 transaction fee, he only had $49. Jim stopped by John's house later that day (everyone needs their friend's during rough times), and as luck would have it, there were two bottles of John's beer left. John, being a good, compassionate friend, offered to share his last two bottles of beer with his friend. Jim appreciated the gesture, and enjoyed the cold beer on the hot summer's day, but he felt a bit guilty. "At least I got fifty bucks back out of it - you have nothing now.", he said. "That's ok.", replied John. "Perhaps you can help me, I need to return all these empties.", he added as his other friend with the truck pulled in.

So, they loaded up the truck, and proceeded off to the beer store. Upon arrival at the beer store, they unloaded the empties, feeling a little grim. John went to the counter, and collected his refund for the bottles. "33 cases x 24 bottles, at 10 cents per bottle, that comes to $79.20", the friendly Beer Store clerk said to John as he handed him the money. Jim was speechless. Poor guy. Can you imagine how you would feel if you just discovered that over the course of the last year, your $1000 stock investment left you with $50, and taking same 1000, buying beer, and drinking it, would leave you with $80. I'll leave it up to the reader to come up with they're own "moral to the story".

 |  IP: Logged

Here's what those HR terms really mean...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.