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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2004 09:44 PM                        Rated G Michele At a jewelry store,a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend."Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment,and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,"No,just engrave it:"To My One And Only Love".That way,if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger,I can use it again."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2004 11:18 AM                        Rated G Before going on vacation,I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck. My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked. "Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 06:19 AM                        Rated PG Michele The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the smartass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own." The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 06:53 AM                        Rated G Excuses for Being Late for Work "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'." "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on." "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?" "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit." "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge." "My proctologist got stuck." "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today,so I've spent the last hour swimming." "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction." "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on crystal meth as I am." "Sorry, sir.I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss." "Heidi Klum refused to untie me." "On the second Tuesday of the month,the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel." "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts." "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning... Sir." "My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'." "These are not the 'droids you're looking for."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2004 05:31 AM                        Rated G KEYS TO SUCCESS: Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM. That's no way to live.Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,respond during the lunch hour.That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there,this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for asolution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message.I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.If that takes too long,send yourself a few messages.Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry,this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 08:57 AM                        Rated G Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs." "That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor she's getting off on."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2004 09:32 AM                        Rated PG The owner of this drug store walks in to find a customer standing by the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says "Well,he came in here this morning I couldn't find the cough syrup,so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!" Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Resumé Bloopers QUALIFICATIONS: "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." "Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail." EXPERIENCE: "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job." EDUCATION: "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." "Finished eighth in my class of ten." SPECIAL SKILLS: "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms." "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions." "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." "Marital status: often. Children: various." "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation." REFERENCES: "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 12:26 PM                        Rated PG After traveling a few blocks, Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and,immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said. The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra." "You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 12:31 PM                        Rated G It's the "Courtesy Is Our Trademark" week at one store when an elderly lady walks in and starts bossing the sales assistants about, asking to be shown this and that just to go looking for something entirely different. Finally,when she has one of the assistants grabbing a stepladder to bring a box from the top shelf, this man straightens his tie and starts walking out the door. The lady customer,in bewilderement,gasps and yells after him,"Wait a minute,what do you think you are doing?" The assistant turns around and with a polite smile answers pointing to the logo of the week. "We've got a week of special courtesy with our customers. So I'm taking the damn hike for you..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:49 AM                        Rated G DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 09:54 AM                        Rated G A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here?" "No I haven't. What's the problem?" "The rotten bastard ran out of my shop without paying me!" "This fellow," the officer asks, "does he have any distinguishing features?" "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 11:07 AM                        Rated G Word for your day:"facinorous" was the Olde English word for a bad deed;a really bad deed.Extremely wicked,grossly criminal, atrocious,infamous,or vile. As in,"What Enron did to corporate accounting was truly facinorous."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 07:42 AM                        Rated G Coffee Shop news. A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.He says: "I want three flat tires,a pair of headlights,and a pair of running boards." The waitress,not wanting to appear stupid,goes to the kitchen and says to the cook."This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.What does he think,this is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook says."Three flats tires means three pancakes,a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up,and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh," says the waitress.The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says,"What are the beans for?" The waitress replies,"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, ..................you might want to gas up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:05 AM                        Rated G A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, thought I had found one.I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."  |  IP: Logged

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