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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:27 PM                        Rated G My secretary stopped me as I approached her desk. Red faced and nervous, she pointed to an expense statement and asked if I thought it appropriate to charge the company for such an item. It read "Viagrafix." I didn't see any cause for her concern, until I realized we were reading the word differently: she as "viagra fix" and I, "ViaGrafix," a software design package.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 01:47 PM                        Rated G From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 09:51 AM                        Rated G The Barber A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks aroundthe shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Do me a favor man, follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says.... "Your house."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 04:33 PM                        Rated G A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over. "Can you please taste the soup?" "What's wrong with the soup?" "Just taste it." "Why?" "Just taste it." "Sir, I--" "Just taste it." "Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?" "EXACTLY. BRING ME A DAMN SPOON."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:51 AM                        Rated G Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 06:54 AM                        Rated G Some Office Wisdom Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some jerk with a torch, bringing me more work. ~David Brent  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 06:58 AM                        Rated G Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?" The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:13 AM                        Rated G At a crowded hotel restaurant, my parents and I gave our order to the waitress. A short time later, she returned. "I'm sorry," she told Mom, "but we're out of french toast." Mom thought for a moment before asking if she could have eggs, toast and a glass of milk. The waitress nodded, and as she turned to leave, Mom added, "But just before you bring it to me, beat the eggs and milk together, dip the bread in it and fry it on the griddle for two minutes on each side."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 09:33 PM                        Rated G Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?" Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously. Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached him. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 08:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine: Do you sell alligator shoes? Store Clerk: Yes, we do. What size does your alligator wear?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:59 AM                        Rated G Pat: He's a C.P.N. Fred: You mean C.P.A. Certified Public Accountant Pat: No, C.P.N. Constant Pain in the Neck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:05 PM                        Rated G Elaine They've put warning labels on liquor. " Caution: Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women would never be that way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:17 PM                        Rated G "Waiter! There's a cockroach in my salad!" "Please don't shout, sir. Or else the other customers will be asking for one, too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:43 PM                        Rated G One morning, the manager of a large company noticed a new employee and told him to come into his office. What's your name?" he asked. "John" the new employee replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't call anyone by their first name. It leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only, Smith, Jones, Rogers, that's all. Now that we have that straight, what is your last name? The new employee sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The owner looked at him for a few seconds and then said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 01:02 PM                        Rated G A newspaper reporter was interviewsing a gnarled, wrinkled, white- haired farmer as he sat quietly rocking on his front porch. "Sir," said the reporter. "I'd like to know the secret of your long life." "Well, son," replied the farmer. "I drink a gallon of whisky, smoke ten cigars, and stay out partying every night of the week." "That's amazing," said the reporter. "And how old are you?" "Twenty-six."  |  IP: Logged

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