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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-26-2005 09:11 AM                        Rated R A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-01-2005 06:19 AM                        Rated G Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of a street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well,I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team.But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 01:52 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario Ca WAL-MART APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!! George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE.... 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. ***Old People Rock! ***  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 09:44 AM                        Rated G Gerry When an auto mechanic tells you the repair job will run a certain amount, give or take a few dollars, you know right then who will give and who will take.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2005 07:07 AM                        Rated G Jewell Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s: Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1990: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 2000: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2005: Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la produccisn es $80. Cuantes tortillas se puede comprar?  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 10-16-2005 10:14 PM                        Rated G From today's Las Vegas Review Journal Real want ad in today's paper: quote: General ALLIGATORS Weeks ago we found one alligator. We're still looking for two more. I'm interested in hiring semi-obnoxious pushy sales pros for a very boring job of selling. My current staff is the laziest group of individuals you will ever meet. They drag themselves to work Mon-Fri. to decide whether to complain about the weather, coffee, or their manager. When that's over, somehow they manage to organize themselves, work their appointments, and make lots of money. This is surprising since no one wants to buy anything we sell because the economy stinks. Applicants should have skin like an alligator and desire to suffer their way to a $60,000-$120,000 career. For interview call: Call 947-7000  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 02:53 PM                        Rated G Our union was about to vote on a contract proposal, and our members were pessimistic about the outcome. When I realized, after calling the vote, that we were out of ballots, I called a print- shop, ordered more and went to pick them up. As I was leaving the store, I noticed a printing error. Instead of saying "accept" or "reject," they now read "accept" or "regret."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:30 PM                        Rated G After 25 years in the same location, our company moved to a new building. The last item to go was a small safe that we always kept closed but not locked. The move must have jarred the mechanism, though, because at the new location, it was locked. No one knew the combination. Finally we spoke to the office manager who had retired 15 years before. "Oh, I could never remember the combination," he admitted, "so I wrote it on the back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:40 PM                        Rated G Alan71 PLACE.. Astoria, Oregon. REASON.. Caller: I see a fire, it may already be reported but it's on a hill in Astoria near Sonora. Dispatcher: Yeah, it's kinda foggy and raining out. Sometimes that happens. Caller: Erm, OK ...It looks like a fire. Dispatcher: Yeah, it's not a fire. Historic Fort Clatsop subsequently burnt to the ground.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 06:55 AM                        Rated G My wife and I entered a shop that had a sign out front proclaiming antiques. I asked the owner if he had any medals or badges. "No," he replied, "just my father-in-law's service medal, and it's not for sale." However, he showed it to me, repeating that it wasn't for sale. "That's right," his wife agreed, "we'd never part with Dad's medal." I examined the medal, which was in excellent condition, handed it back to him and also gave him my business card. "If you ever decide to sell it, please let me know." As we were leaving, the owner asked, "Just out of interest, how much would you have paid for it?" "Five hundred dollars," I replied. With a look of astonishment on his face, he stated: "It's yours!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 06:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 07:10 AM                        Rated A vice-president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man", that's an executive who comes to work at 9 a.m. and finds a molehill on his desk and by 5 p.m. he makes it into a mountain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 04:31 PM                        Rated G The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As much as possible!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 05:14 PM                        Rated G Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!" Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2005 02:27 PM                        Rated G Things to do at Wal*Mart while your spouse is taking their sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens. I wonder what a Code 3 is??? 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, & and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. 11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME! 14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!! And; last, but not least!) 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"  |  IP: Logged

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