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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:36 PM                        Rated G Lorraine For a short time one day, my son, Paul, was left alone to manage his own and the adjoining departments at the store. It was very busy, and several customers needed help. Paul resorted to telling each person that he'd be with him as soon as possible and in what order that would be. He returned to help the first customer, leaving four others to await their turn, when suddenly the phone rang. He tried to ignore it, but eventually excused himself and answered it. The woman at the other end wanted information about vacuum cleaners. When she asked about differences in specific model numbers, he became suspicious. He looked over and saw customer No. 3 talking to him on her cellular phone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:54 PM                        Rated G One day my friend Danielle called to ask if my husband, an auto mechanic, would take a look at her car.She had recently had an exhaust system installed and now complained of a terrible rattle coming from the rear of the car. Stan took the car out for a drive around the block, pulled back into the driveway and got out. Then he opened the trunk and removed Danielle's golf clubs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:56 PM                        Rated G Michele I stopped at a Korean owned doughnut shop one morning to get doughnuts for my employees. There were 7 of us so I asked for 13 doughnuts. The woman behind the counter said she couldn't sell me 13 because she could only fit 12 into a box of doughnuts... I said, "that's ok...but I still want 13...put one of the doughnuts into a bag..." To cut about a 15-minute argument short...I walked out with a box of 12 doughnuts...and a bagel...in a bag.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2005 02:09 PM                        Rated G LuLu People don't like to look dumpy in their own snapshots, which is why my husband, a professional photographer, gets a lot of requests asking him to retouch photos. You know, erase the crow's-feet, lop off the love handles. So I wasn't surprised when one woman, pointing to a family portrait, asked him, "Can you take 30 pounds off me?" until she added, "And put it on my sister?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 02:47 PM                        Rated G Betsy The shopper had looked at almost every suitcase in the store. Finally, she said, "Actually, I'm not buying one. I'm just looking for a friend." "Very good, madam, " replied the clerk. "Would you like me to open up the last few to see if he's in one of them?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G Mike checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now." "The dead roach doesn't bother me." Mike said. "It's his pallbearers and the funeral party."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 03:16 PM                        Rated G LuLu My friend Tom and his 7 yr old daughter Cindy stopped by the hairdresser to pick up his wife. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Cindy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?". Needless to say, Tom's wife never went back to that hairdresser again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,"Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?",the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "Today,I was sitting by my cow,milking her.Just as I got the bucket full,she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can! 't explain," the farmer replied."I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.Then I sat back down and continued to milk her.Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed, "Again?" The farmer nodded, and replied,"Some things you just can't explain.I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full,the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do?" "Well," the farmer said,"I didn't have anymore rope,so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can't explain."  |  IP: Logged Mitchell Dvoskin Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1869 From: West Milford, NJ, USA Registered: Jan 2001 posted 05-03-2005 12:27 PM                     Rated G A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, " Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2005 10:04 AM                        Rated G Michele My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party,we bought 2 cases.The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G Long,unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the software company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces,"All those opposed to my plan say,'I resign.'" End of meeting.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2005 10:11 AM                        Rated G Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts. The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped. "It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said. "No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:53 AM                        Rated G Michele There is a new household cleaner being test marketed in the midwest called "Bachelor." I thought it seemed like a strange name for a soap til I seen the slogan being used. "It Works Fast, And Leaves No Ring!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2005 11:09 AM                        Rated G Business one-liners A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library. A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2005 02:01 PM                        Rated G Lulu Confiding in a co-worker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Three of the people have died."  |  IP: Logged

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