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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:07 PM                        Rated G Gerry New employee to boss: "Well, if I can't have a raise, how about the same pay more often?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2005 07:16 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At the supermarket checkout,I hoisted two jugs of distilled water onto the counter.One of them burst,spewing its contents over the entire area,including the cashier and me. I was dismayed,and the clerk was obviously upset.Grabbing the loudspeaker she immediately requested a mop. Minutes passed,and nothing happened. Frantic, she screamed into the speaker: "We need a mop and a bucket at checkout No. 4 immediately!A lady's water has broken!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2005 08:41 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone.It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:"Picabo, ICU."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:44 AM                        Rated G Harry My sister, a single mom of three teenage girls, has an outstanding reputation in our area for her ability to stretch a dollar. Recently she was having some renovations done at her home, and the carpenter doing the work was also doing a job for a new fabric store. When he went to pick up some material for the store, he was asked who the bill was to be made out to. "The Cheap Sew and Sew," he answered. Only when he got to my sister's did he look at the bill: The clerk had written her name on it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:47 AM                        Rated G When the microwave oven broke down in the lunchroom where I work, I knew it wouldn't be a problem. Half a dozen technicians were eating lunch, and since they assemble all the minute circuits, circuit boards and detailed wiring of ultrasound scanners, I knew they could handle the microwave's inner workings with skilled hands. One of them got up. I was wondering what his first move would be as he bent over to look at it more closely.Step one of his examination was a resounding whack on the side of the machine.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:53 AM                        Rated G Michele Did you hear about the new detective show they are going to air on MSNBC? The show will be about a private investigator named Richard Dick. Yes, that's right: Dick Dick, Private Dick.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G Gloria It is my responsibility to ensure that our business publication is labelled,bundled and bagged before going to the post office. A few days after one of our mailings,I received a call from the post-office representative who informed me that the mailbags had been filled to the point where his men refused to lift them because of their weight."Who prepares your mailbags?" he asked. "My mother and my aunt," I answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:59 AM                        Rated G Cynthia I discovered my television set wasn't working-no matter what I tried,there was no sound. I called the repair shop,and two fellows arrived with a replacement TV.Before they left,one of them checked my set,and immediately there was sound. Amazed,I asked, "What did you do to fix it?" "Turned off the mute button," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2005 12:36 PM                        Rated G JerseyT Mike checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now." "The dead roach doesn't bother me." Mike said. "It's his pallbearers and the funeral party!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:01 AM                        Rated G Michele That reminds me of the story about the crusty old chief who ran the tool crib and got tired of the crew misnaming and misusing tools. So he gathered everybody together and took them through the whole inventory, giving the proper names and describing the proper use, which they should have remembered from tech school, anyway. Two or three days later, one of the guys walks up to the tool crib. "Hey, Chief. Give me a wrench." The chief roars, "What KIND of wrench, sailor?" "It don't matter. I'm just going to use it for a hammer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:12 AM                        Rated G Michele I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." "In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 11:10 AM                        Rated PG Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate Lesson 2 A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." [/b]Moral of the story:[/b] Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:31 PM                        Rated G Frank I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a blonde teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:35 AM                        Rated G While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews. To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live." On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:40 AM                        Rated G Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.  |  IP: Logged

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